Sometimes when I read through my past entries, I wish I had stuck to them & not let myself change. There's a pattern here: things get icky, I try to change, I swear to all these things, and I end up not listening to myself & complicating things further. [Still true.] And of course It's with guys. *rolls eyes* Is this what my life's come down to? Revolving around guys? Because I'd rather just move to another state/country that has no guys whatsoever and forget about the whole gender. They complicate things way too much. Remember how I said I'd do anything to please Thomas and make him happy? Well I let him feel me up. And I got the wonderful privilege of confessing to my father. [Yes, I'm that girl who tattles on herself.]
It happened on May 8th after the picnic for my dad & Faye's wedding. A group of us went over to the Ablanos' house to hang out & watch a movie. I was feeling really down because I had gotten in a tiff with my dad right before we had all left, so I was being all emo. So Thomas was trying to cheer me up because Talia couldn't and when the movie Bandslam started, we were sitting next to each other. I was kinda' leaning on him & he was rubbing my arm and we would whisper stuff about the movie and sweet stuff and basically one thing led to another and he touched me.
ARRGH! It's so unfair that I can't be with him (in more than one way too.) Anyways, so after that night, we lived on a high for a lil bit and then my conscience started bothering me big time. So finally, two Saturdays ago, I told my dad. Then the next day was my graduation, which of course, was marred by the fact that A) I had confessed and B) because Keith & Neese were there for Ablaa graduating. [Have I mentioned yet that Keith and Neese are together at this point? Yup, ExBF and ExBFF...awkward.]
But Thomas' up camping at Mammoth right now w/ his family & Talia (I was supposed to go w/ her but THAT wasn't going to happen) [Probably should've confessed AFTER camping.] & so far this whole week I've been Thomas-free. It's weird, I'm ehh w/o him here, but I'm also glad too because I don't have to stress about how to or what to say to him. But once he comes back this Sat. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel so much for him, I can't explain it. It's weird, w/ Keith, I thought I loved him & knew he loved me, but I didn't act how a girl in love should act. Now, I only like Thomas, but I'm...more serious towards Thomas. Like, I care deeply for him and his feelings. If he was certainly adverse to something, I wouldn't do it. Or say it or whatever. I don't want to hurt him ever, & I desperately don't want him to get hurt by anyone or thing else either. I'm fine with being alone, but I'd rather have him there beside me. And a couple of my friends told me I put off a "don't-touch-me-I'm-taken" vibe, so I don't flirt w/ anyone else besides him. [There's the difference between infatuation and love peeps.]
(I'm sorry it looks like I give Brad too much attention, but I can't help that. I don't like him at all but he's a super good friend.) ARGH! I wish I had stuck to swearing off boys when I said that in my earlier years after James! DevThomas in makes my head spin. I want to get closer to him and really know him & for him to open up, but I can't. He's even more closed than I was when I was w/ Keith. He's worse than Brad! I was friends w/ Brad for 6 months before he finally opened up about his past & secrets & stuff. [And that was long for me; I have one of those faces people tell stuff to apparently.] Thomas is like a closed & locked journal, man. I'm still trying to figure out which key works. And I will find it. I've given up too much to now quit on him when the going gets tough whether he likes it or not, I'm not going anywhere & when he finally sees that, I'll be waiting w/ a hug & a smile.
I've decided to go back to being the Rane everyone hates, the Rane that's only on the surface, the girl who's always good, and has a fake smile on her face. The girl that I hated. The one who never let anyone in, never told anyone what she was feeling, and stuffed it all away. The girl Keith broke. He broke all my walls down & Thomas just waltzed in and took everything. So now I'm building up those walls again and dusting off that mask. It's already begun too. I'm always smiling now to everyone I see whether I'm pissed or not, I always say "I'm good" when asked how I am, and I'm only confiding in Ginger right now. I'll tell Talia stuff when she gets back from camping. And even then I'm going to hold stuff back. I'm not going to tell anyone how it's so hard to be by Thomas & know I can't be BY Thomas. How it's so difficult to look at him & see those guarded eyes w/ so many secret, hidden things behind them. It hurts a tiny bit when I think that I can't be there for him anymore to tell me things that are bugging him or making him happy. It royally sucks because he was just coming around & starting to tell me stuff. I wish...huff, I wish he really was in my head & vice versa :'(
ŞİMDİ OKUDUĞUN
The Diary Project 2-Relationships
Kurgu OlmayanRane's almost out of high school and she's already out of her first relationship. How will her newly budding friendship with Thomas fare? And will she be able to hold her life together as she moves into the newest phase of her life?
