The Diary Project 2-Relationships

2-28-10 He's definitely my best guy friend

The thing with Neese has gotten so out of control. Basically she just started policing me & Ablaa & Laura are her spies for her at school & Keith is her spy on Thomas. Even my parents were like, okay what is she trying to accomplish here? My dad even wants her to back off & let him deal w/ me. There's no way Thomas & I could be dating now. We don't text, IM, call, or email each other & even tho I know Talia would gladly be our go-between, we don't have one. We only talk to each other in person & it's pretty okay. I miss him a lot, like talking-wise, but I'm coping. I even shut off my Yahoo! profile for a week during all this stupid hullabaloo (my fav word haha). [Aww, remember those profiles?!] I just turned it on yesterday night.

But anyways, my mom & dad both agree w/ me that I should just move on w/out her friendship. I'm so hurt by the fact that she wouldn't listen & took things so far. I can't fathom how Keith is still her friend after what she put him through. [She basically teased/bullied the crap out of him and then turned around and became BFFs with him.] Now that I know what she's like, I'm washing my hands of her. There's lots of things I'll put up with in a friend, but unreasonableness isn't one of them. We aren't dating & that's that. I'm not mad about her telling my parents about me scratching myself w/ a pin or saying that it looks like we were dating because I know that's her form of tuff love. But once you say something, lay off. It is done, forget it, let the parents handle it. Don't freaking police me & ruin a friendship for me. She turned Keith against Thomas & I both & she took away my best friend.

I think about Thomas a lot. Not constantly, but a lot. I like him, what can I say? Haha. I like him more & more each time I hang out with him. It's just a lil bit, maybe centimeters, but it grows. And it's weird, last night it really struck me, but he grounds me kinda'. His advice and encouragement are really helpful to me, I guess. I'm not the type of girl who needs to have a guy in her life. I mean, the other day I told Thomas that I can fight my own battles (because he told me he went off on Keith standing up for me)...but having Thomas by my side, just talking about stuff, is really nice & peaceful. I don't need to hide or pretend; I tell him everything practically, I want to talk to him forever, about what he likes, he wants, his childhood. I want to get to know HIM.

It's interesting, with Keith I didn't really like being around him deep inside and kept trying to get away. He felt toxic to me almost while at the same time I couldn't breathe when I couldn't talk to him. [Are everyone's first relationships like that??] And he was always complaining about how I made him jealous (like hanging out with James, which always pissed me off, because I wasn't trying!).

But w/ Thomas I don't have to worry. Sometimes I'm the jealous, worried one. I'm fine w/ not talking to him 24/7; it royally sucks, but I'm okay coping w/ it. Every time we're together, I don't want it to end of course & I try to make the most of it, but I've noticed that he really grounds me & it's kinda' like I'm lost without him. (Not really, but last night it really impacted me that I could feel like that was true.) Maybe it was just because we hung out this whole weekend at the Pool & Spa Show, but I really felt his absence last night. It was unnerving because I didn't know what to do. I wasn't interested in anything, but I wasn't tired so I just walked through the house dazed almost. I wanted him around to  talk to or do something with. I really just wanted to be with him last night & when I think about it, it happens a lot. I'd like to talk to him about small stuff, bounce ideas off of him, get his opinion on stuff, I want him around all the time, having fun w/ me, enjoying whatever I'm doing or he's doing with me. I'd enjoy everything better if he was around me. I don’t know what to make of it & I'm not really gonna' try to analyze it, just let it go whichever way it does. I like the feelings of knowing he's there when I need him & even when I don't. I wanna' see him smile and know it's cuz he's happy I'm there. I'll do anything for him to please him & make him happy. I want to always be there for him to come to when he needs comfort or help and even when he doesn't.

It's funny, this weekend, people thought we were boyfriend/girlfriend just because we hung out during the exhibits & I was fine with that. Like, I know we're not dating & so when people asked us, we answered accordingly, but I didn't feel uncomfortable in my own head at night in bed when I thought about the notion. I don't know...the feeling's nice & I know I'm too young, so I'm not gonna' make the whole bf/gf thing actually happen, but it's nice while it's here. He's definitely my best friend & I don't ever want to lose him as that.

Rane C.