The Diary Project 2-Relationships

6-29-10 He'll never be mine again

Today was the first time I saw Thomas since he got back from the camping trip. We saw each other during volunteer work & the first thing he says when he walks over to me & Lewis is "what happened to your foot?" (cuz of my ankle brace thingy-ma-bob). I finish what I was saying to Lewis & I look at him & say something I don't remember, but I think it was something like "I came down on it wrong on Friday at volleyball." Or along those lines. And that was it. Someone called him over and stepped in between us and I didn't talk to him again. It's interesting, normally I'd have stayed longer because he was pulling a long day there, but I felt no familiar pull to stay with him. I think it's cuz I didn't really look at him or smell him. I'm trying to keep myself under control as much as possible. I only caught myself looking at him once when he was walking to the car & I watched his reflection in the window.

Other than that, I'm okay. But I don't see how I'll keep this up if I'm going to still be his friend and have to look at him & be around him and see his smile & hear his laugh. He's so dorky but so cute at the same time. And I'll laugh at anything he does to try & make me. Ugh! Another memory popped into my head: I was waiting at Baskin & Robbins for Thomas & Keith to pick me up for volunteering (this was at the beginning of the year before I had my license) and he pulled up real fast, screeching, & said "Hey hotstuff! Need a ride?" I just laughed a bit & said they were retarded. But then Keith said that they had something else planned and he asked Thomas if they should tell me.

Well naturally I wanted to know and eventually they told me. Originally, Thomas was supposed to say " I'll give you $20 bucks to ya if you get in the backseat." Naturally, I was like W-O-W lol. But then I started giggling too much b/c I had thought of my response to that & Thomas realized I was hiding something. So they pressed me & I told them that I would've said: "Make it $40 & I'll do it in the front." They bust up laughing & from then on, we 3 had that inside joke of frontseat & backseat & $20 & $40. Then later on, it became tickling me was what they were paying me for b/c it was "feeling me up". Yeah, we're retarded lol.

But stuff like that keeps coming up in my head & I can't help but re-live it. I mean, there was actually a time were everyone got along and had fun. At least for a moment in time & that's what I yearn for to be back again. And what I hold on to. Especially now b/c my mom's telling me that she doesn't really want me to invite Keith to my grad party. He's ignored me at gatherings or whatever and my mom was like "he keeps ignoring you and you're still trying to be friends w/ him? Don't beat a dead dog. Three strikes you're out. He never talks to you." And it's true; all of it. I've been excusing him like crap while we were together & now it's time to move on from him. I haven't really thought deeply about it much, but I'm not over what he did. So maybe my mom's right. Time to give up. For once. He'll never be mine again.Thank God.

-Rane C.