Heartbound

Heart 1: Hold Back

"I'm sorry. I should have tried to be civil for the passed days," seryosong saad niya. "Nalilito lang ako. I didn't mean to hurt you. I just don't know how to talk to you. Hindi ko lang alam kung paano ibabalik ang dati. I was kind of lost too. How did everything turn out like this? We're contented on being just friends before, right? How did we suddenly become mates?" naguguluhang sambit niya bago bumunot ng malalim na buntong-hininga. Bawat salita niya ay tumutusok sa puso ko. He's regretting everything we had. "It doesn't seem right."

Mariin kong ikinuyom ang kamao ko. I was not this weak before, but because of him... because of him I felt so weak and helpless. I held the tears back. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na kakayanin ko. Na hindi na ako iiyak dahil lang sa katotohanang hindi niya ako matanggap. Magiging matatag ako hanggang sa huli. Pipilitin kong hindi sumabog ang puso ko sa sobrang sakit na naiipon dito. But I was surely vulnerable against him. No doubt that he really was my downfall but I should stand up again. I will be strong. For the both of us, for me.

"What doesn't seem right? Us, being mates?" mariing tanong ko sa kanya. I was kind of enraged. Sinasaktan ako ng bawat salita niya. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ko ito matatagalan. Unti-unti nitong winawasak ang puso kong pilit kong pinatitigas. I was trying to guard my heart from him. I would not fall too deep. I would be fine soon, piece by piece.

Marahan siyang umiling. "Not that. I mean, it doesn't seem right... how everything changes so fast. How everything started to feel awkward and... unbearable," mabigat na wika niya. I could feel the burden he bore. It was growing. The anxiety he felt about this mating bond was growing, growing and growing. He was exerting too much effort to resist his fate, our fate.

Mine was growing as well. Not just my anxiety but also the love. The fire was slowly glowing and burning inside even when I didn't want to. It felt like it's unstoppable. It will soon become a wildfire, the most dangerous fire of all. Soon it's going to hurt us until we can no longer contain it. Until we explode along with it. Iniisip ko ngayon kung matatakasan ba talaga namin ito.

Can we really defy our fates? Can we really escape from our realities?

"We can't even choose the one we really want to love because we are tied up with things like this," mahinang saad niya. I sucked a deep breath. "Is that even logical?"

"Do you think fate has ever become logical?" mariing tanong ko sa kanya. I hate fate for being illogical. Maybe fate was playing pranks with us by bringing two people who can never really be. "I don't think so. It's never logical. It's just doing the things it wanted to, for some reasons we will never even know. Some things just exist without any reason at all. They just exist for the normalcy of this universe. Do you have to find logical reasons from all these things? Do you find logic when you breathe? Do you find logic on your existence? I don't think everything should be logical." halos hinihingal na saad ko.

I couldn't take this conversation any longer. It's too hard to explain and I was not good at explaining things. I bet the geniuses will have a hard time explaining too. "Let's not talk about this anymore," sumusukong saad ko.

Napansin ko ang bahagyang pagkuyom ng kamao niya. Mas pinili ko na lamang na ibahin ang usapan. Hindi ko na ito matatagalan pa. Hindi na.