Let's Play Doctor!

Game 43 - I want you back, Emma

I nodded. “I really did everything I could.”

 

Tumango siya at tinignan ako. “Sinabi sa akin ng mga nurse na patuloy mong sinusubukan na buhayin siya. You’re a great doctor, and I’m sorry for what I did. It was just hard because I lost her. She was everything.” Nakita kong tumulo yung luha niya at hindi ko mapigilan na tignan siya as Pauline’s husband. He really loved Pauline.

He kinda reminded me why I never wanted to fall in love, the hurt of losing someone you loved, I couldn’t take that. Leaving Andy before was hard enough, I couldn’t even stand the thought that I would lose someone I deeply loved.

“I needed to blame someone else for her death. I know it was inevitable. I just needed to let you take the blame. Because who else was I going to blame?”

I understood him. “I know. I’ve been there.” I told him. When Sadie died, I needed to blame someone and I blamed Andy. He wasn’t there when she died so I took my anger out of him.

I let my mind decide that it was his fault she died. He left us alone while he was enjoying his life. He had forgotten us and I blamed him for Sadie’s death. But it wasn’t his fault, Sadie’s heart just died out.

“I know how that feels. The need to blame someone so you could take the rage out of you, the grief.” I said. “Because if you start questioning why, then no answer would come so you just would blame it on someone than starts to question.”

He nodded. “Did someone in your life died?” he asked.

I smiled ruefully. “Yes, a friend who was like a sister to me. Her heart was weak and she just gave birth. The doctor confined her to they could keep an eye out for her. But a week later, her heart just died. It just gave up.”  I told him. I felt that I needed to tell him this story, I don’t know why but I just do. “Nobody was to be blamed. But I felt angry, angry but there was no one to direct it so at first I thought, I needed to see someone who could take away the anger. I guess  because he was the first person I saw after it, I just took it out on him. I hated him with full intensity. Thinking it was his fault.”

Until now I still blamed Andy for it. I know it wouldn’t change anything even if he was there instead of being at a party. But I was angry, so angry that when I saw him having fun I just saw red.

I blamed him because he wasn’t there with me while Sadie was dying. And he would remind me it was my idea that he go out and have some fun while I stay with Sadie but still I blamed him.

We fought and fought. I accused him of so many things and after a fight, we would just both walk away from each other. Then one day, I realized I was being foolish and I needed him to comfort me, I needed him by my side so I could just lean on him and cry. So I went to his house, I walked to his room, opened the door and saw him banging someone else. I would never forget the face of the girl he cheated with. She had this smug look on her face. I hated her so much.

But I hated Andy more. The anger I felt multiplied and so many thoughts drove to my mind, was he with that girl when Sadie died? My anger took the worst of me, I felt so angry, there was this hatred in me that I wanted to let out. And I did, God I did let it out and everything just fell apart.