numb

fourty-eight

i cry harshly into my mother's shoulder as my thoughts ran faster than the speed of light. my mind a mess and my throat harsh from the hard weeping.

was i not good enough for him to love?
maybe i didn't deserve him, maybe it's my fault. maybe if i would've been more clingy it would've been harder for him to leave. maybe i just didn't deserve him.

my mom held me close and tight as she mumbled words that i couldn't hear over my painful cries.

"what did i do?" my raspy voice falling out my throat. "did i hurt him, is this all my fault?"

"sweetie.. you didn't do anything wrong. he- your dad- he wasn't in the best position to take care of you at that moment." my mom tries to comfort me but it wasn't working.

"then where is he? that was then, this, this is now." my stream of tears seem to never end.

my mom was silent so i know i stomped her. she didn't know what to say either, maybe she was just as confused as me.

as the silence consumed us, my mind started to wonder to that night of my constant misery.

i can still hear the screams from both of their voices. the way my mom cried and tugged at his arm. i remember her say "what are we suppose to do?! i don't have a good enough paying job!" but he showed no sympathy, only yanked his arm away and spoke with no emotion, "you'll figure it out."

i was only 9 years old. he knew we needed him but he just didn't care. years later and i still need him. i still need my father because i want to the feel the love that my friends felt every time they hugged their dads, even when they were mad at him, i wanted to feel that. all i felt towards my dad was emptiness.

"i love you sweetie and that's all that matters. i'm here for you and together as black strong women, we can make it," my mom grabs my cheeks for me to look at her then continues, "your a strong, gifted, compassionate women and i raised that girl all on my own. i didn't need help because i'm all that you need."

i smile, a real smile.