The Wrong Way Around [Phan]

Chapter 37

Dan's Pov

*one week later* (sorry about all the time skips)

Phil had gone to a therapist twice already now, and it seemed to be working okay. I mean, he had only cut three times in the past eight days, and was getting considerably better at explaining his feelings to me.

I completely understood, of course. I knew he loved me just as much as I loved him, and I was quite sure that if he had only a few weeks left to live, I'd be feeling the same way as he is. But still, it wasn't healthy for him to be trying to numb his feelings in the way he was.

I sighed, slightly overwhelmed by all my thoughts. This wasn't an irregular occurrence nowadays. I shook my head a little, trying to clear away all the unwanted things in my head, then put on a smile and left my room to go see Phil. As usual, the smile wasn't very genuine.

Phil sometimes talked about how he sometimes imagines the entire world was a dream. That we went through all this struggling, all this pain, all this suffering, and when you woke up it turned out none of it was real and you had to go through the whole thing again. And then of course, if this life was a dream, who knew how many others would be? Obviously you had to wake up at some point, but what if you never really woke up? Just transported yourself to the next level of pain and sadness? At this point, I was hoping he was right. If this was all a dream, then we could just wake up and relive our lives, try to make them better. We would know so much more. We could fix our mistakes.

I would be able to make Phil happy.

I shook my head again, trying to clear the thoughts away. I put my fake smile back on and walked into Phil's room. I knew I would be fine later. I just had these thoughts every once in a while, but they would go away soon. It was understandable, really, that I would occasionally think such depressing things, what with my death being about three weeks away.

I was right that the thoughts would only last a little while, because as soon as I saw Phil, my face lit up and I went over to give him a hug. He returned it, but drew away after only a few moments. It was then that I saw his eyes were red, and his face was covered in tear streaks.

"Is something wrong?" I asked stupidly, immediately regretting asking it. The answer was obvious, but now that I had asked I couldn't really deny anything he said.

"No, I'm fine. I was just watching some of those "try not to cry" videos. Kind of lets me drain my emotions without thinking about self harm." He said as he gave me a watery smile.

Of course I didn't really believe him, but again, I had asked. To question him more would be to accuse him of outright lying, and show that I thought he had to have a certain answer to a question about his own feelings.

So instead of pressing him, I just nodded and sat next to him on his bed.

Phil's Pov

I sat on my bed, holding a small knife just above my wrist. 

Should I really do this?

If I did, I would never feel any more pain. Dan's death wouldn't affect me in the slightest.

But mine would affect him.

Did I really want to make what would very likely be the last few weeks of his life pure hell?

Wait, what was I thinking? He wouldn't miss me! He would probably be glad to have his last few weeks free of me.

I was just a burden.

Slowly, I lowered the blade so it was touching my skin. Suddenly, I heard my door start to open.

Crap.

I threw the knife under my bed and sat back, waiting to for Dan to walk in. He soon did, his obviously fake smile turning into a genuine one as he saw me.

I just wished I could say the same for my own.