Loss | Kim Taehyung

BONUS CONTENT.

jimin's (full) letter.

i had to cut a few paragraphs due to the thing being too long (it's legit the length of a short chapter), so here you go.

—

seo inha,

inha. hani. my love. darling. the apple to my pie. sorry. that was cheesy, i'm being overly disgustingly fucking cheesy. wow, i'm so lame and gross. but it's okay, you love me anyways right?

i don't know why i'm writing this, but it's late and do you

do you get those nights where you honestly feel shitty and something's just not right, that it shakes you up and you can't sleep because there's too much to think about?

one of those many thoughts are you, most of them are always you. you keep me up at night. and so does the things i do and the things about me that i never told you about.

you see, inha, i might be smooth as fuck most of the time, but you're an exception to everything. words fail me whenever you're around. i get unusually tongue-tied and that's fucking something because i never do. you have that effect on me, i guess.

i don't know where and how to start, so i guess i'll start by saying that i lie about a lot of things. i lie about what i do, about my problems, i lied about me not being a smoker. i lied about that time i told you i was going to busan to visit my parents because they miss me. (i went to busan to hide from people that want me dead. again).

and i'm genuinely surprised that i've managed to keep it all up to this day. i don't know what this makes me. a good liar? a terrible boyfriend?

i would never lie about my feelings for you, though.

you know that i know a lot of people, but you don't know that most of them are mixed up in risky and illegal shit that i don't want you knowing about. and somehow, i always end up throwing myself into people's business. i don't know how, but i always cause problems. i piss people off and sometimes owe them money which i can never pay off before they get too impatient and beat me up. (recall all those times i showed up with a bruise on my face?). it hurts a lot. and what makes it hurt even more is knowing that i deserve it. i'm a terrible person and i fucking deserve it.

i'm a misfortune, inha.

this might not seem that big of a deal, but it is to me. i keep messing up and turning things into shit. so many fucking slip-ups, you have no idea. i even shot a guy once, all because i was scared and paranoid, the memory still haunts me at night. i'm sorry. i can't tell you any of this because i don't want to know how you'd look at me if you knew everything. this side of me is not something i want you to know.

i have a best friend. you don't know him, but that's only because i kept him from you, too. i don't know why. maybe i'm greedy. maybe i want you all to myself. maybe i was scared the he'd steal you from me. he called me heartless and cruel after i told him i killed someone, would you think of me that way if told you?

i wish things weren't like this, i wish that i wasn't like this. i wish i wasn't scared of myself, of what else i'd fuck up and what other damage i can cause. i wish i didn't have to hide things from you. i wish i didn't have to lie. i wish you knew about the dangerous thoughts i have late at night.

you're a good influence on me, y'know? ever since i met you, things died down. i wasn't so self-destructive and terrified, i didn't put myself in trouble that much. you made things okay for me. and because of that, i was scared i'd mess up again if i told you everything. i don't want to fuck up things between us.

you bring out the best in me. but those bests just made me realize just what a terrible person i've been all this time.

i'm starting to act up again, inha. that's why i've been acting distant lately, but you don't seem to notice. it's frustrating how oblivious you are, but i guess it's supposed to be a good thing on my part.

i don't know how to stop myself. i keep gambling and owing people money. i keep feeling like everyone's out to kill me and i get fucking stressed and scared that i think about killing them if it ever comes to it.

is that unhealthy?

inha.

i don't know if you'll ever get to read this, but i'm writing because i can't take it anymore. every single lie i told you is eating me alive. i hate that you look like you're proud to be with me. i'm not proud of myself, inha. maybe one day, i'll tell you everything and hope that you still see me with the same amount of love in your eyes.

this must be surprising, huh? who knew fun, wild, and harmless park jimin has a side like this. that's what you love about me, right? i'm unpredictable. fresh. i keep surprising you. but i wish it's not with things like these.

i understand if you can't forgive me. i did a lot of shitty things i'd rather not name. but if i tell you i only kept things from you because i didn't want you involved in any of this, that i do it so you won't get hurt, that i lie so i didn't have to risk messing up everything between us because fuck, you are my world and i don't ever want you to leave my side,

if tell you all of those things, will you forgive me then?

everything's so much easier with pen and paper. you can erase and rewrite everything as you please. some words get unspoken while some that you never had the intentions to mention are told. if only things are this easy when i actually look at you.

i don't know what i'm doing. i don't know what to do. it's late and i've done too many wrongs that both affect me and the people i care about and it's killing me. taehyung (he's the friend i mentioned), he keeps telling me to move on with it. he's so naive.

i'm scared. bad things always happen when i'm around and i'm fucking scared that i won't be able to protect you at some point and i just

i'm sorry. but you know me, i'm only doing this because i love you.

sincerely,
a very tired and scared tangerine-haired boy,
park jimin.

—
ya fuck park jimin tbh