Loss | Kim Taehyung

006: looking.

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LOOKING

"have you ever been in love, taehyung?"

taehyung looked down at her figure lying on the couch with the half empty bottle in her hand.

he hadn't even planned on going inside, just to drop by and check on her and then leave because he was walking down her street and he just felt the need to. felt a tug pulling him to her apartment, to her.

"i'll tell you what it feels like," she smiled at him, "it stops you short. it makes you forget about everything but the feeling. it's beautiful and spontaneous and terrifying. fucking swallows you whole without even realizing that you were in too deep already. i hate it."

her eyes were fixed on him as he sank down to his knees so that his face leveled hers.

"well, have you?"

had he?

he supposed he had, in some ways. he'd felt all of those things she had said, maybe even more. but what was love when it was merely one-sided? what was love when it was unreciprocated? what was love when the term 'lover' doesn't apply because said person belonged to someone else? what was love one when it was nothing more than gestures unnotice and words unspoken that went to waste?

maybe that was what love is. the ever-present pain of having your heart cut in two every time said person spared you the slightest glance, gave you the smallest smile, the faintest brush of fingertips. but by the end of the day, it wouldn't be your arms that they would be coming home to.

it was ironic, how taehyung wasn't even sure what love was, yet he knew exactly what heartbreak felt like.

he looked into her eyes, brushed a strand of her dark brown hair off her face as he tried to comprehend how did this girl make his best friend fall head over heels for her. he took her in, from her small nose and her rosy cheeks and the faint scar on her chin.

he wondered whether jimin had purposely kept her away from him all this time.

"you were right taehyung. love blinds you," she turned around to the other side, buried her face in the cushions, "and i'm fucking blind because i could've stopped it. just like you said. i could've stopped it."

"it's not your fault," he whispered, the first sentence he had said upon entering the apartment. he tried to pry inha's fingers off the bottle but she was gripping the thing like her dear life depended on it. probably did.

"yes, it is! hate to break it to you, but it's yours too. best friends are supposed to prevent things like these from happening."

"i know," he said with the lump that formed in his throat. "i know it is. and it kills me too."

"then how come i don't see you dying?"

because he practically was even before jimin left.

because heartbreak did its part, and it made him be used to the constant pain.

because kim taehyung was a boy who had nothing to lose, yet had lost too much, and kept losing more.

"everyone grieves differently, inha," he plastered a cocky grin on his face. his signature one that constantly masked his true feelings. "plus, i gotta keep the tough exterior for the ladies."

inha grunted with her face still buried in the cushion as a response. her grip on the bottle loosened and it fell to the floor before taehyung could do anything, spilling alcohol all over her living room carpet.

"i don't get it," she whispered, though she sounded like she was talking to herself rather than to him, "how something like this could happen and i didn't see it coming."

"hey," taehyung's thumb rested on inha's chin and turned her head around so that she was looking at him now, "don't put all of this on yourself. it's unhealthy."

he should know better.

taehyung kept his thumb on her chin as he looked into her eyes. had a mini heart attack when he noticed that they were now glassy. she could handle a drunk girl. but a drunk and crying girl, hell, that was something else altogether and taehyung wasn't up for it one bit.

he'd always been awkward when it comes to girls crying, or just people crying in general. it made him shift uncomfortably as the person sobbed their heart out and taehyung always knew that the right thing to do would be to comfort them, but his lack of skills in that department did him no good.

come to think of it, he'd always been awkward when it came to dealing with feelings in general, especially his own.

"i just," taehyung could smell the alcohol on her breath as she spoke, "i want to forget taehyung. but i can't because i feel like a part of this is my fault and–"

she stopped mid-sentence, taking a deep breath as if speaking exhausted her too much and taehyung could tell that it did.

"i just want to forget. that he was ever here in the first place."

i want to fall out of love, was what he heard. though he didn't how that could be possible for her.

taehyung imagined her to be a bright girl once before things went to shit. he imagined her to be the type to radiate warmth and kindness wherever she went. but he supposed all of those had been because of jimin. now that he was gone, she was like a moon without a sun.

"being in love sucks, taehyung."

i know.

no, taehyung was sure he had never been in love. yet. but he had been falling. falling into the depths of his insanity and had been in too deep to get out.

it's sad, because the person that made him like that was also the one who made him feel the sanest he could ever feel.

looking at her, he saw a part of jimin that made ache in his heart grow. she was his past future present, his happiness, his love. taehyung's thumb left her chin only to brush another strand of hair that kept falling over her face. he only wished that he could've had what the two had.

he wished he had seen it sooner and realized that pining over someone who clearly wasn't available wouldn't do him any good. wished he spared himself the heartbreak.

and what made it worse was that he had a feeling that the person knew how he felt, yet chose to act nonchalant and be completely fucking oblivious as his heart was constantly pushed and played.

but he was naive and falling, who was he to blame himself?

because if love was blind, then he'd never want to see the light.

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a/n: asdfgh cliche shit but i actually love this chap.

poor boy, who on earth broke his heart? will we ever know? who knows. i don't know.  *winks*