Kavi One Shots

smile

for PentaholicSmiles's contest. not exactly kavi. no ship at all, really.

Anyone's POV

All you ever do is be sad, she said. Why can't you be normal? Why can't you just be happy? What happened to you? I don't remember dropping you as a child.

One day I'll be happy and energetic and exactly what I should be according to everyone. I'd be fine, I'd be smiling genuinely throughout the day whether or not something terrible happened. And then the next I'll be sad. Depressed. The definition of weak and tired and unable to feel anything but the numbness that depression has made me become.

I didn't live in a bad home. I lived in a fairly good one, actually. I was always judged for my pale skin and bigger size, and when middle school hit, I was judged even more and irrationally because I wasn't like the other kids. I didn't always enjoy computers all that much, I didn't ever want to do the horrible things the other kids tried to get me to do. Instead, I liked to read. I eventually found a passion of writing as well, when I found out about a reading and writing website.

I was viewed as odd and quiet throughout my years of school. I was constantly picked on for my height, weight, skin, and anything else today's society calls everyone out for. I was often called a vampire and sometimes my own friends would slowly tear me apart. But it's only teasing, and they're my friends, so it doesn't matter because they aren't strangers, right?

I was medically tested for depression when my mom suspected it. I was only in the sixth grade when I was diagnosed with a severe case of it. I guess I was more quiet than usual, a bit more introverted than anyone else in my family, and I really didn't like leaving my bedroom most times. I'd cry over pointless shit at night, then wake up and feel emotionally exhausted again.

As I was growing up, I began to think my own family disliked me. Most people did because of how oddly blunt I would be if I were to talk to them, but I had no sense of what to say as I grew up because I had no one to talk to most times. My family would pick on me, telling me I'm eating too little or eating too much. Asking me if I've taken my medication today because I've been crying more than usual, because according to them that's what depression is: sadness. Only sadness.

Depression most certainly isn't only sadness. It's numbness, anxiety, terrible thoughts running through your head every day. It's what you fear you'll accidentally show people as you wake up because you always have to hear the typical "are you okay" from everyone even if they didn't care because it's human instinct. And it's your instinct to say you're fine with the biggest and brightest fake smile that you can muster. Because no one cares anymore.

As long as you smoke and drink everyday, you're considered a cool person in society and you'll be easily accepted, but if you like books and your grades aren't bad and the teachers sometimes even treat you a bit kinder than the drug addicts in the back row, you're a nuisance. If you like to draw and sing or dance, then you're a nuisance. Sometimes even the people labeled as "cool" are judged, except by the older society. Everyone's judged. The only time anyone would ever care about what you genuinely feel is when you're being pressurized into bad situations. Even then if you aren't okay with what's happening, you're judged.

You'll be asked if you can help the person next to you because you aren't considered dumb to the teachers even though everyone else disagreed because sometimes the things people say to you takes awhile longer for your brain to process than most people's brains. You'll be criticized for what you wear and what or when you eat, if you eat.

Anything can cause depression. Depression can cause many things. We're all in this big shape with multiple edges and every choice you make will change everything. People that were once well educated and kind would look to drugs. People that once craved drugs would look at better lifestyles. Your past will be judged constantly so if you once made a bad mistake, you won't be accepted even if you turn your life around.

Tattoos, piercings, and black clothes are considered as edgy or 'emo' today. Pink dresses and curly hair are considered girly. Liking different music can lead to you being labeled as a freak. Painting well and being considered the teacher's pet because the art teacher likes your work a little more than the other's. Running fast and being called Sonic, or running slowly and being called a slug. Running averagely and being forced to up your speed because what you do isn't enough.

Seeing things at night and being called crazy, hearing things and asking if you're a bat. Not hearing things and being called deaf, or not seeing things and being called blind. Reading fast and hearing someone say that you're going too fast and no one can understand you, or reading slowly and hearing a groan from someone else in the room.

Presenting a project and fearing what everyone thinks, and when you finish the teacher has to clap so the entire class will. Being unable to express yourself without the degradation of others. Acting as if you're someone else when the real you is desperately clawing inside, hoping to be freed so maybe one day everyone will see the real you and accept it. But no one will.

And finally, one day you'll feel like a beautiful, gorgeous flower and the happiness overjoys you longer than most times. You're really yourself when you're your happiest, dancing around and grinning the entire time. Feeling confident about yourself. Feeling brave. And yet the one thing we must hope is that tomorrow morning, when you wake up from the sun blinding you, that you are like this again. That realizing it isn't an act but instead being you. Being unafraid.

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a/n: hope i got this right for the format? idk haha.

this was a little hard for me to publish because this is sort of like my own story in a way. im nervous to see the outcome.

if any of you ever feel depressed or mentally ill in any way, i may not be the most comforting person but im okay to rant to. go ahead and come to me if you'd like. i love every one of you guys. x