Steamy Love

Part 1: What The Fuck, Man?!

Brian's POV

He's acting weird.

I know we're the Impractical Jokers and therefore it's our job to act weird, but... Sal's acting just... weirder. I've seen it before. Throughout the years he'll occasionally become pretty distant and reserved, and it seems like everyone else understands it but me. It's really irritating, and it makes me feel like a stupid, lousy friend. I couldn't help but worry about this while filming today. I could hardly make anything I said funny.

"Q, wanna get some drinks tonight?" Joe asks me.

"Huh?"

"What are you in your own little world?" Murr laughs. Fucking ferret... "Let's go get drinks."

"C'mon, we all know you need to get laid." Joe starts cracking up.

What the fuck? "No I don't!" But I know that's a lie. I'm probably the only celebrity that doesn't get very much action. I just can't trust anyone. And it doesn't feel right to abuse my celebrity status like that.

Joe continues, "When's the last time you had sex?" I actually have to think hard about that. When I don't answer immediately, he says "Exactly."

"I REALLY don't need to have sex all the time."

"No, but you want to," Sal says awkwardly. We're all walking to the parking lot, and Sal's looking at his feet.

"But I don't need to. And I sure as hell don't want to be with a different girl every single time." I need a girlfriend... and then a wife.

Sal says slightly louder, "Either way, we all need dinner. Let's go."

Sal and I take my car back to my house and meet Joe and Murr there. Joe's our designated driver since he doesn't drink, but if he's around drunks, you wouldn't know the difference. He has just as much fun. We all pile into the car and drive to our favorite bar. I pay close attention to Sal. He doesn't really engage much in the conversation; taking sips of his beer more often than talking. This isn't like him. And yet, I'm the one that gets called out.

"Fuck, Q. Don't have so much fun!" Joe says from across the table. He takes a drink of his soda with his signature smile engraved on his face.

I decide to be a smartass, as usual. "Oh don't worry, I won't." Murr laughs hysterically. He's already getting tipsy. I chuckle and ask him, "Why the hell are you such a fucking lightweight?"

"Fuck you, man! Let me have my fun!"

I hold my hands up in surrender. "Fine, have your fun. Enjoy yourself!" I gesture to the crowd of people getting up to dance.

"Maaaaybe I will!" He gets up and immediately tries to hit it off with this hot blonde at the bar. I don't care enough to see if he gets rejected or not.

Okay, that's harsh. I love Murray to death. I didn't mean it like that. But if he does get rejected, he'll get over it.

Joe gets a call from Bessy and he steps out, saying something about how she probably wants him home or whatever. Sal starts chugging on another beer. It's now that I realize that he's on his third already, and I'm just finishing my first one.

I decide to ask him what's up. "Sal, what's eatin' you?" He just shakes his head as he swallows. "Well at least eat something. You don't want to get sick." He nods and I wave down a waitress. She's new. Yes, I know a lot of the employees here, and I don't know this one, so that means she's new.

"Oh hey! Aren't you those guys on TV?" she asks after doing a double take.

I internally sigh. "Yeah, you a fan?"

She blushes. "Actually, everyone that works here talks about how this is your guys' favorite bar. I didn't know anything about you until a week or two ago."

"Oh, well that's, that's great!" I smile at her and she blushes again.

Suddenly, Sal speaks up, and his tone is kind of... rude. "Can we order some food?"

"Oh, sorry..." She gets her little notebook out. "What can I get for you?" I can tell we're making her nervous from the way she quickly leaves after Sal orders.

"What the fuck, man?" I say somewhat bluntly.

"What? What'd I do?"

I just shake my head. Sal's a private guy, and I need to respect that. But I know there'll come a point where I just can't take it anymore and I'll need to figure it out. The waitress brings us our food and actually starts flirting with me. I'm assuming I'm her favorite joker, considering how she mentioned that she saw Murr and Joe, but hasn't talked to them yet. And also how she's just not acknowledging Sal so much. I don't blame her, though. Sal's being a dick and actually glaring at her. Then he interrupts what she's saying and orders some shots.

I stare at him coldly. "I don't think I'm up for shots."

He just shrugs and says, "More for me."

"Dude, you're gonna get sick and pass out. After this, we're goin' home."

She comes back with the tequila and I ask for the check. By the time she comes back with it, Sal downed both shots. She leaves as Joe is coming back.

"Bessy's wanting me home by eleven, if that's okay."

"That's fine," I say. "I'm pretty sure Sal and Murr are at their limits."

"I'm surprised you aren't."

I just shrug. Sal speaks up then. "Only because he thought he was gonna hit it off with the waitress." He actually sounds pissed at me.

"What the fuck, Sal?! I'll admit, she's hot. But I don't need to get drunk, and I don't need to get laid." I stand up and put down two 20's. Usually whoever's sober will pay the bill and the others will pay us back later. "I'm taking a cab home. See ya later, Joe." I hear him say bye as I'm walking out the door. I'm about to wave down a cab when Sal comes out of the bar.

"Q! Brian, wait!" I turn to him and I'm about to ask him what he wants when he starts puking in the parking lot. I quickly look away to keep from gagging. When he's done I get a cab stopped and help him get in the back with me. Thank God he keeps it down on the way to his house. I barely get him to the toilet before he all but explodes. I puke in the garbage can a couple times. I'm not as bad as Sal is, but the smell... No need to say more. When we're both done I get him upstairs to his bedroom and search for a pair of boxers and a t shirt. I throw them to him and turn around so he can change. I hear him plop on the bed after a minute.

"Thanks Q..." It's the last thing I hear from him as he passes out.

"You're welcome." I say it even though he doesn't hear me. I pull the covers over him and go downstairs. I'm too tired to worry about getting home, so I grab some blankets and fall asleep watching TV on his couch.