Bang. Bang. BANG!
It sounded like gunshots as he slammed his fist against only thing that separates me and him. I lay on my bed which is furthest from the monster on the other side. I bring my knees to my chest as I cry silently. His voice like thunder, so loud and so forceful as he attempted to barge in. My phone was on the kitchen table, out of reach. My apartment was on the thirtieth floor with no forest near by which means no trees to climb down. My panicking brain can not rationalize any plan on how to survive this. All I can do is lay here and whimper with only my overactive brain to keep me company. Everything becomes silent as I tone him out and I start to think.
I am really surprised that he has not broken down the large, but thin piece of wood that was carved to keep unwanted guests out. It was designed to save me from your harmful woods. I can be left in my room with nothing, but my mind to replay happy memories like old movies. They flash in front of my self conscious and none of the memories I play have you in it.
They use to.
Only I have burned them and danced on the ashes knowing that I was free from you when I opened the portal to my Wonderland. My Wonderland, where I can laugh, scream, and cry. Nobody could tell me what to do when I shut the gateway, only few could enter.
You were one of them.
Only now you have overstayed your welcome. You have harassed me for the last time. I am done with being your canvas as you paint unwanted colors on me. The black and blues, the yellow and purples, but the most unwanted color that you made me have is red. The crimson liquid dripped from my skin. I never wanted that color, but you said,"I finally look beautiful instead of being plain white."
No.
There is nothing beautiful about that. You think that color is art. Only in my eyes, you bring the unnecessary colors that make me look like someone has littered scribbles on a true work of art. My body, you may think is just plain white, but is a fucking masterpiece. You have no right to paint it, or change it in any sort of way.
Only I let you.
You made me think I had to change me. You made me think that my body was your property. If you did not like what I wear, you make me change. I cannot speak unless you have me permission. I was made to feel ugly. I was made to feel worthless. I was made to feel stupid. Since that is what you made me think. Without you, I thought I would be a freak without its mask since I thought you tried to make me beautiful.
Only now when I look in the mirror, as the colors you painted begin to fade. I see the pure, milky white skin, and I was happy. You were gone. The weight that dragging me down. I was no longer your puppet. I was no longer your slave. I am who I am. A human being, that will wear or say what ever they want. I should not have to stitch my mouth shut since I could not speak my mind. I should not have to change since you did not like what I was wearing. I am confident. I am talented. I am beautiful. And if you do not think I am, then that is too bad because you will never stop making me feeling this way.
Only now I have to face my demon.
I stopped crying, wiping the fear I had away. The banging never stopped, only grew louder. I moved closer ever so slowly. I open my barrier, and see the beast that lays in front of me. His face red with anger, his teeth grinding together, and his fists clenched together. He attempted to punch me, but I dodge it. He was yelling the familiar names he use to call me.
"You are such a slut."
"You are worthless."
"You are not beautiful."
Those names did not hurt me anymore, but was coal that fueled the fire in my heart. I drilled my fist into his cheek and he feel on his back. He was astonished that I fought back. I then grabbed his collar and pinned him to the wall. His eyes once filled with anger, now fearful. I looked at him, with both fury and confidence. It was silent for a moment as I stated at him. Only then I stood on my tippy-toes, moving close to his ear. So he can now get this through his thick skull, and his pea-brain can understand what I have to say. I made sure not to stutter or be too silent, since I want this to be clear. I made sure he was completely still, so he would not escape. I made sure I was firmly gripping his t-shirt when I said five words.
I see him looking over at me as I begin to lean in. His eyes still fearful, I can feel him start to shake. Familiar colors of black and blue start to form on his cheek. I see tears start to fall like rain. It was like looking in a mirror seeing the exact same feelings I had felt. Only now, it was not me in the mirror, it is him feeling the pain. It is him feeling fearful and worthless. It is him, who has the unwanted colors on him. My pink lips were close to his ear. I took a deep breath and felt all the anger pour out of me like water. It was like the finally blow. I have finally defeated him and what sealed the deal was five words.
"I am not your canvas."
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I'm not dead, I'm just trying to fix stuff.
But enough about me.
Hi, how are you lovelies doing? Tell me how your day is going.
Anyways, love you all. Bye.
