Shawn
Don't break down, don't turn back, just keep moving forward, take a deep breath. Just don't think about it, pretend the event never existed, even though this meant so much to me. Only not to him. The bitter truth was he is gone, it was a thousand knives drilling into my abdomen in an instant, a world disaster going off in my head. I hold back a tsunami of tears when he said it and since my dumb brain thought we would be forever. Only that was just a fantasy that soon died and buried six feet under the ground like my happiness. I heard something break and no I didn't throw any vase or any of my mother's glass china, but it was internally. I just remember feeling pins and needles inside my body. My chest hurt, when he left, it was like a gunshot. Did I stop him? No. I just watched him as he left me feeling dead and alone. I am the walking dead, but I am conscious of my scarring emotions. I crave out amor and put it around my broken heart, not letting anyone in. I don't want to make the same mistake again.
~A Few Weeks Later~
Black is my new favorite color, not wanting to stand out, because that means I have to open my mouth to speak, which take so much energy now. I cannot function anymore, I cannot stop hearing his voice telling me the news. I cannot accept the fact he is gone, forever. How can the weight of the world crash down on me in an instant? An anchor chained to my shoulder, a weight I have to carry everyday. No wonder my back hurts. No wonder I fall down because my weak legs are tired of carrying it. I walk through school with my head down since he still lingers, as much as I wish that I don't want to be reminded that I lost him. Whenever I see him, I feel my armor start to rust as the rain from my eyes start to destroy it. My stomach is in knots that cannot be untied. I cannot identify the feeling I obtain when he is around, it feels like I'm dying. Only I am not crying, trying to figure out what is wrong.
Then it hit me, lying to myself, this cannot be true, but it was. The burning sensation I feel when he is making out with his new girlfriend in front of my locker. The tension I feel when he gives her red roses that match the lipstick she wears everyday, or the crimson liquid that pools out of my wrists. The way he looks at her is intoxicating because he never look at me like that, nor will he ever. She has a beautiful tan with golden locks, and have blue orbs that look like two oceans. I have nothing, but a broken heart, bloody wrists, and an insane mind. Her smile lights up a room when I make everything grim. Making the day go dim for everyone else including me, a flee that has been stepped on for too long. Only they are not wrong like it says in the song, I am a goner after all. A small bug that use to feel tall, but that isn't the case anymore. I am still sore, still have the scars from you. The glue that kept me together, I have finally ran out. I want to scream and shout at you, but you too busy pleading for her forgiveness as your girlfriend does her fake pout, I am done. I watch as you have fun with her, wishing I could outrun the feeling I still have for you, someone that made me feel worthy, a love one. As much as I hate to admit it, wishing I could quit it, but I can't.
The feeling of you, trailing your warm hands down my sides, as I feel your gaze. Whispering your wonderful words in my ear, and I hear my heartbeat quicken. As my breath start to become shallow as I feel your soft lips against my neck. All of the thing you said that you would do to me if I kept biting my lip. The amount of times we have cuddle is more than the times that I have sang you to sleep when you have your panic attacks. In fact, you use to call late at night when you felt this way and I would come rushing over to make you feel better. The amount of times I have wiped your tears, the three years we have been to together, just shoved in the garbage when you said those words. Those five words that made time stop for me, five weeks without you, five more pints of blood leaving my system, and five more panic attacks.
I can't be with you anymore.
I can still hear it. The breaking noise, the silence that burned like fire as we stared into each other's eyes, and the sound of the door closing. He is like a bird flying away when a storm comes, leaving me to face it. I look up as I see him staring at me as I write in my journal. I bet he can see the dark circles under my eyes, my pale complexion, and the pimples on my chin. All the imperfections that I have is another reason why he left. I stare at him as well. He was about to walk towards me when his girlfriend grabbed his arm and brought him to her next class. He turned around and stared at me. I see a tint of pink on his cheeks. Then when he turned around, he walked into a locker. He fell backwards, and lands on his butt. I cover my mouth with my black long sleeve to hold back a giggle. I stood back up and looked at me with redder cheeks. I roll my eyes and a smirk appeared on my lips while doing that. He is such an idiot.
~Later~
It was three in the morning and I was drawing somethings in my sketchbook. When I heard my phone buzz, I didn't check who it was and just answered. All I heard was uneven breathing on the other line and sniffling. I raised an eyebrow and wonder who in the world this is.
"It must be a wrong number," I mumbled.
"N-No, S-Shawn," a familiar voice murmured,"H-Help me."
I know that desperate small voice, the uneven breathing, and the sniffling. It was Taylor. I kept him on the line as he cried and hearing his teeth chatter. It was pouring outside, and my car was at the shop, so I ran a mile in pitch black darkness to Taylor's house. I saw the tree next to his balcony, as I climbed up, I hear the thunder clap, and lightning lighting up the whole sky. I know for a fact that Taylor leaves the balcony door unlocked. I opened the door into his bedroom and heard quiet sniffling coming from the other side of the bed. I walk over and see Taylor curled up into a ball, crying. He looked up at me and tried to talk without stuttering, but failed. I sat down next to him. He put his head in my lap as I start to pet him like a cat.
"I'm sorry S-Shawn, I should of--" he said quickly before I cut him off.
"Shh, deep breaths, think about all the happy times you had with you and her," I said smiling down at him.
"I don't want to think about h-her, she left m-me here anyway," he sniffles," I need you here, p-please don't leave."
"Think about the how we use to cuddle, how I use to tickle you if I didn't get my way, and most of all, think about I love you," I said biting my lip.
"But I-" he said looking up at me with his bloodshot eyes.
"I don't care I love you, I loved you then, I love you now, and I love you to the end of time!" I basically screamed.
I see a smile appearing, it was so wide that there was crinkles but his eyes. He took his shaky hand and attempts to squeeze my thigh. He knows I like that. He shows me that huge smile. He knows I like that too. He tried to sit up, but he was so weak that he couldn't.
"Shawnie, can you h-help me up?" He asked in raspy voice.
I sat him up until he was face to face with me. I stared for a while, seeing all his features, his puffy eyes, his quivering lip, his shaky hands, and his tears streaming down his face. I wipe them away with my thumb remembering the amount of times I did this. He sniffles and took a deep breath. His plump lips were mocking me, I want to, but he is heartbroken, I can't, even I'm aching to do it. I bite my lip and shook my head. I need to resist the temptation. He crawled behind me and I felt his hands on my waist he massages my hips since he knows I like it. I felt him nipping on my ears with made me feel like I'm in heaven. I then turn my head back towards him. Time stopped for me, I looked at his lips only parted a little and his eyes slowly closing. We both leaned in and I felt a sensation in my heart. I feel him tugging at the hem of my sweatshirt. I slapped his hands away and moved back. I pulled my sleeves up a little until you couldn't see my hands anymore. Only he came towards me took my hands and turn them until my wrists were facing the ceiling. He pulled my left one up and saw them. Only he did not cry or scream all he said was two words.
"Me too," he said then lifting up his shirt, I see little lines on his hips making me gasp,"I want to see all of you."
I feel his hands pulling up and off my sweatshirt, I was wearing nothing under but my flesh and bones. He licked his lips, looking up at me. He started to kiss my jawline from on side to the other then going down to my neck leaving hickeys all over. I bite my lip trying to stay quiet. I feel his hand running up and down my sides. I then felt his lips on my wrists kissing every last scar. He then said something five words that made my heart flutter, only five words.
I love you so much.
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This is for a special someone.i hope they read this. I love you...
