The Nonbinary Notebook

The One with the FINALLY

June 22, 2016

10:12 AM

I am currently in my favorite MCR shirt and sweatpants, watching Ice Age 2, and eating gummy worms. It is a good day.

Tonight, I'm going to my aunt's for dinner, then staying the night. She's leaving with my uncle to go on vacation, and Madi (cister) and I are dog-sitting. She has three dogs, so wish us luck!

I am very excited about dog-sitting because we will be on our own!!! This will be my first taste of freedom. We'll be on our own for five days, taking care of the dogs and being paid for it. And to top it all off? My aunt has a POOL!

This is a big deal for me, because I haven't gone swimming since I first cut my hair short.

No, that's not a typo. I have not gone swimming since November. Let me explain.

I'm gonna annoy you by talking about dysphoria again. My hair caused me so much dysphoria that when I cut it, it was an amazing relief. I looked more like myself, and felt more like myself, as I explained way back in chapter 2. The problem was, now feminine clothes felt so much more wrong. Before, it felt like I was playing some part in a play in which my character was a girl. After I cut my hair, it was like I broke free of that. Bathing suits and dresses just didn't cut it anymore. It felt like I was seeing my dad in a dress; it looked wrong, it felt...off.

So no, I haven't been swimming since November, because I can't stand the sight of myself in a women's bathing suit, and because I'm not yet confident enough in my identity to wear trunks in public, especially since I decided to stop shaving my legs (because that caused dysphoria too).

But between Thursday and Monday, my cister and I have a private pool all to ourselves. And the dogs, of course.

I FINALLY GET TO SWIM!!!!!!!! I LOVE SWIMMING AND I AM HELLA EXCITED.

Hgsbdhshdss I can't wait.

In other news, I get to have salmon tonight which is my FAVØRITE.

Autocorrect added the ø. I have no idea why. Probably because I am such TØP trash, it's ridiculous.

Ok I have to pee so

Byeeeeeee

~Eli