The Nonbinary Notebook

The One with the Binding Scare

January 6, 2016

9:56 PM

Today had some ups and some downs.

I have a camisole that's designed for "tummy control" that I got by accident once. It's too small and it's a little stretchy, so I figured it would be good for a makeshift binder. There was a little extra fabric at the bottom that I snipped off, then I put it on normally. It didn't do much since the top half is designed to make room for breasts and is therefore loose and stretchy. I folded the bottom "tummy control" up to my chest, adjusted myself, and threw on a tee shirt.

Time stood still for a moment as I looked in the mirror. I was completely flat. I looked like me. I had heard of gender euphoria before but I didn't know how great it was until I felt it. It screamed "This is who you are meant to be! Don't you just love it?" And I did.

I wore it for a few minutes, just kind of admiring myself (vain much?). Then I realized how tight it was. I guess I'd gotten so caught up in the euphoria that the safety and comfort of my pseudo-binder took a backseat. The binder made it hard to breathe and it hurt my ribs. I had to take it off. Dysphoria hit me once again like a ton of bricks. And I know I can't wear it again, even though I really wanted to wear it tomorrow at school; it's too dangerous.

So today had some ups and some downs.

UPS:
•I now know that I definitely have dysphoria where I was formerly uncertain
•I now know that the possession of a binder will help this dysphoria
•I now know just how scary improper binding is and that I should never ever EVER do it

DOWNS:
•My dysphoria is still here
•I still don't have a binder

So I hope I can fix the downs soon.

On a completely unrelated topic, I've been working out! I've been pretty good about the every other day rule I set for myself. Next week I think I'll change it to every day.

~El