The Nonbinary Notebook

The One with the Checklist

December 23, 2015

6:10 PM

Remember these?

1. Get healthy!
I'm chubby, and when a female gets chubby, it shows differently than when a boy gets chubby. It makes me a bit more obviously female. I mean, big hips, a fluffy tummy, a round face, and squishy thighs are pretty feminine. ***This is not a body positivity issue for me!*** I don't hate my pudge. I just don't like my feminine build. If I were a girl I'd be a darn cute one.

2. Get a haircut!
It may seem trivial, but my hair is currently a very feminine style, which makes it hard to feel like myself. I want a gender-neutral and short haircut.

3. Get some clothes!
Besides the fact that I really need to go shopping anyway, a lot of my clothes are a bit girly for my taste. I'm gonna need some basketball shorts.

4. Get a binder!
Top dysphoria is a big deal for me, and if I can fix it even temporarily, sign me up.

5. Get support!
Well, by this point, I'll probably look like a boy, which is sort of what I was hoping for. My friends and family will probably assume I'm either a lesbian or, you know, a boy, depending on how educated they are on LGBT issues. Coming out will set the record straight and get me the support I need for the next phases in my transition:

6. Get top surgery!
Binders are annoying, and uncomfortable, and dysphoria is back the second you take them off. So top surgery is definitely on the list!

7. Get a name!
Right now, everyone calls me Morgan, but that might change. I know it's not necessary to change your name when you transition, but it just seems to me like something that I need to do.

Well, it's about time for an edit! Haircut, check. And clothes are kind of an ongoing thing; every time I shop I'll add on to the more masculine side of my wardrobe, since I feel more comfortable presenting masculinely.

So we're left with these:

1. Get healthy
2. Get a binder
3. Get support
4. Get top surgery
5. Get a name

As for number one, I haven't been doing a great job. I'm trying but I end up eating a lot of junk. Once I move out and am in charge of my own refrigerator, I might go vegetarian, or even vegan. It won't solve everything but it'll keep away the pesky cholesterol. Another problem lies in my burning hatred for exercise. And I don't really have the time or motivation for it, which sucks. I'll keep working on #1.

Number two and four might take a while. I'll either need to be out and get my parents to buy me a binder, or be able to buy one for myself, which is a long way off. So I'll have to stick with sports bras and baggy tees for now.

Coming out, aka number three, is a slow but sure process. Two friends are in on the secret so far. One of them is Bob. I haven't told any family yet, and I'm not sure anymore if I will. If I end up finally moving to Los Angeles with Bob like we planned, I'll only have to deal with misgendering when I come visit.

And finally, names. I've been thinking and I really like El. I think that's from Death Note though, so I'm not sure. Maybe Elliot. I kinda like Jay too. I'm obviously undecided, so maybe leave some suggestions in the comments?