The Nonbinary Notebook

The One with the Intro

November 23, 2015

Hello! This story is basically going to be a diary for my transition, for lack of a better word. I lack a better word because I am not a binary transgender person, and therefore my transition will not be from one sex to the other, but simply from being uncomfortable to being comfortable. (This story is probably going to have a lot of TMI moments, just so you're aware.) Allow me to introduce myself!

•My name is Michael (Note: The name in this chapter is correct. My name has changed a few times, so in other chapters it may be different, but this is the right one.)
•I was assigned female at birth
•I am agender as of this chapter
•I am a teenager as of this chapter
•I am not out yet as of this chapter
•I use they pronouns as of this chapter

Now that we're all caught up, I'm going to introduce you to my little friend: DYSPHORIA. Dysphoria is when your body and mind don't match up, and weird feelings can come from that. I've heard breast dysphoria described as coming home and seeing a cat on your couch; cats are cool, lots of people have cats, but I don't have a cat, so what is it doing here??? And honestly, that's pretty accurate for me. I'll just be going about my business, and my hand will brush my chest and my brain will just ??? over it. It's like when you've been wearing a hat all day and you forget you're wearing one, and somebody bumps it and you're suddenly aware of that hat. It's like I forget I'm a female sometimes, and then that awareness comes up.

I'm probably rambling, so I'll get to the good part: the goals I need to achieve in order to pass. "Passing" in the trans community refers to being automatically seen as what gender you are, not what sex you are. A curvaceous trans boy may have a harder time passing than a more lean boy; a muscular trans girl might have a harder time passing than a skinny one; a nonbinary person of either extreme may be mistaken for another gender. Passing for me means either a) being assumed a male, cis or trans or b) being asked if I am a "boy or a girl", or even better, what my pronouns are. So, without further ado, my goals to destroy dysphoria and be happy and healthy.

My Goals to Destroy Dysphoria and Be Happy and Healthy

1. Get healthy!
I'm chubby, and when a female gets chubby, it shows differently than when a boy gets chubby. It makes me a bit more obviously female. I mean, big hips, a fluffy tummy, a round face, and squishy thighs are pretty feminine. ***This is not a body positivity issue for me!*** I don't hate my pudge. I just don't like my feminine build. If I were a girl I'd be a darn cute one.

2. Get a haircut!
It may seem trivial, but my hair is currently a very feminine style, which makes it hard to feel like myself. I want a gender-neutral and short haircut.

3. Get some clothes!
Besides the fact that I really need to go shopping anyway, a lot of my clothes are a bit girly for my taste. I'm gonna need some basketball shorts.

4. Get a binder!
Top dysphoria is a big deal for me, and if I can fix it even temporarily, sign me up.

5. Get support!
Well, by this point, I'll probably look like a boy, which is sort of what I was hoping for. My friends and family will probably assume I'm either a lesbian or, you know, a boy, depending on how educated they are on LGBT issues. Coming out will set the record straight and get me the support I need for the next phases in my transition:

6. Get top surgery!
Binders are annoying, and uncomfortable, and dysphoria is back the second you take them off. So top surgery is definitely on the list!

7. Get a name!
Right now, everyone calls me by my birth name, but that might change. I know it's not necessary to change your name when you transition, but it just seems to me like something that I need to do.

These are my goals so far---obviously, they can change, and they probably will as I create the new me.

I'll update as soon as there's an update in my life---every time I feel the need to make an entry, basically. I hope you enjoy reading about my journey, because I'll definitely enjoy living it.