"Two months of being alone and without Ross, is two months of me regretting my decisions, of me being absolutely outraged towards myself, of me missing being alone with Ross."
"To love and to be loved back."
Caspian screwed up big time with her aunt...
"Woah, really?!" He beamed at me and I couldn't help but smile as I nodded, but I just couldn't be happy because I couldn't stop thinking.
"I uh, got a letter from Columbia." I said quietly and I held onto my seat as he served.
"Wait, what." He looked at me confused. "When?"
"Last week."
"So, did you get accepted?"
"Yeah... I'm going to do some online work during the summer, and some classes senior year." I shrugged my shoulders. "I might just have to go there for three years."
Ross nodded slightly in thought and I could tell it was then that he had finally caught up with me.
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He turned onto the shoulder of the road, the car idled for a couple feet as Ross just kinda stared off into the distance. Finally he put the car in park and we just sat in silence for a good five minutes.
"We might not go to the same college." He broke the silence then finally glanced at me. "What if Europe does want me over there?"
"Then you have to go?" I put my hands up to emphasize the obvious answer.
"But then what about you?"
"What about me? This is your future, Ross." My brows pulled together making my forehead crease with frustration. "I won't not let you go."
"But, I kinda thought that... You were my future." My heart thudded and I shook my head.
"When we're ready, and if we last." I uttered out and Ross' eyes widened.
"If? What about long distance?" He tried and I shook my head.
"I don't want to go through the pain of not being able to see you." I grabbed his hand. "I want this."
"Then I'll stay." He said determined.
"N-no, Ross." I sighed. The car grew quiet again and we both looked at each other with indifference.
"A-are we." My eyes started watering up as I began to talk. "Is this it? Are we breaking up?"
"No,no,no, babe. I love you." He pulled me in for a hug, the center console was digging into my side.
"I love you too, but- I mean our futures." I cried. "We're not going in the same direction. I don't want to hold you back from something this amazing, you deserve to be able to do anything you want, I-I don't want you to worry about me."
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"And you think breaking up is going to fix this?" He grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me a bit as I kept crying and his eyes were watering terribly but he wasn't letting one tear fall. "Caspian, I will always worry about you, a-and I just got you back." Finally he let the tears go and he buried face in my neck. "I don't want to lose you again."
••••
Uh, I have to say a couple of things.
I am utterly heartbroken as to what is happening in the US right now.
Orlando was the 173rd mass shooting in 2016, and we are only 164 days into the year.
I can't stand the violence, it makes me so depressed that we live in a place like this.
And most importantly about how it was a gay club that got shot is adding salt to the wound.
I just want you guys to know that you're sexuality, or your gender, or whatever it is that you feel ashamed for, I am here to tell you that I accept every part of your being, your soul with open arms.
I hope one day, that i will be able to raise children in a world that is full of love.
Sending prayers and love to everyone in need.
PLEASE STAY STRONG, STAY SAFE, I LOVE YOU GUYS.
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