Chapter 25

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Kellin's POV

"Yo Kellin, you should come down to the party." The band's bassist Justin says, after he pulls my headphones off.

"I'm fine thanks Justin." I smile before I continue to write in my lyric book; the same one Vic bought me for Christmas.

Yeah, it's kind of pathetic that I'm using it. It's kind of pathetic that I still hold hope that we'll get back together. It's kind of pathetic that I think about him every second of the day and that I don't sleep because of him. It's pathetic that I can't give anyone a genuine smile because I'm still so upset about losing him. It's so pathetic that I still think about how I'd do it all differently; how I wouldn't have gone on the tour and would have just stayed home with him.

"You're always writing in that thing. Come out. Have some fun." Justin whines but I shake my head.

"I'm writing and I've kind of had a break through. I just need to finish off these songs." I explain truthfully, though even if I hadn't been writing, I still wouldn't go out with him.

He nods and sighs before leaving.

I go back to pouring my heart and soul out into the lyrics that are practically dripping onto the page.

I wonder how Vic is doing? It's something I wonder a lot. Is he doing okay? Has he been sad? Last time I saw him he was pretty angry with me. I wonder if Mike gave him my presents. I wonder if he liked them or just threw them away. I wonder what he did for Christmas. Did he have a better Christmas than I did? I hope so. I had a horrible Christmas. I just cried the whole day, wishing that I was with Vic to give him his present and see him smile. I wonder how his New Year's was. I spend my New Year's crying as well. I was up on my balcony in New York City. As the fireworks shot into the air, I made a wish and that wish was to get Vic back. I don't believe in wishes anymore after that because it never came true.

I spend most of my sleepless nights looking up at the moon. I remember that night when I swore the moon was watching over us as we walked along the beach. I swore that it was protecting us and I had the strangest feeling that if Vic and I ever got separated it would bring us back to each other. It hasn't. I'm waiting for it too. Call me pathetic but I still believe that it will. It will bring us back to each other. I know it. I can just feel it.

I pull my phone out of my pocket, checking it for any messages or missed calls from Vic. But as per usual, there's none. I sigh and put it down feeling disappointed. As hopeful as I am, there's a little part of me that feels like Vic and I won't get back together. It's probably my more logical side. I mean, he hated me; he probably still hates me. He might always hate me. I should have just fucking told him. I should have been there for his dad's trial too. Even though he told me not to come, I should have anyway. He might have needed me. I hope he got through that okay. I hope his dad ended up in jail. I hope Mike's looking after him for me. I hope he's okay.

Through all this hoping, wishing and wondering, I might never get an answer. Everyone in my band keeps telling me that I need to move on but they don't understand, they obviously haven't been in love before.

After I left for tour, I fell into a slump. I'm still kind of in it but it's not as bad as it was. I went back to regularly self-harming again. I just didn't care. I had nothing; no one. I lost the one person who meant everything to me. I was in so much emotional pain and had so much self-hatred for leaving that I didn't care if I just dropped dead. Jesse ended up finding out about my cutting. We had a long talk and he made me realize some things.

We have quite a few fans that self-harm, that have hard home lives, that starve themselves, that think about killing themselves or have tried and much more. People tell us all the time that our music has helped them. When kids would come up to me after the shows and tell me about their self-harming, I found that I couldn't give them advice, I couldn't tell them to stop because that would just make me a hypocrite. Jesse made me realize that I'm a role model, as much as I don't think I should be. He told me that I can't have kids looking up to me if I'm falling apart. I need to hold myself together for the kids. I need to put my pain into something I love. Turn my pain into passion.

And that's what I'm doing now. I'm turning my pain into passion by writing these lyrics into this book. The book that reminds me of the one person who was my passion but is now my pain. The lyrics are about him too. Everything is about him now and I just can't seem to get him out of my head. And part of me doesn't want to get him out of my head; a pretty big part of me too.

I miss him, there's no doubt in that. I love him, there's no doubt in that either. There's just so much uncertainty. I'm across the country but I bet even if I was in the same state as Vic, I'd still feel a world away. I shouldn't have left. I was so stupid. I should have at least told him no matter how hard it was. I fucked up our relationship. It's no one's fault but my own and I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

I feel a hand land on my shoulder and I look up seeing Jesse. I hadn't noticed anyone come in. I watch the rest of the band retreat to the bunks whilst Jesse just stays with me. When everyone's gone, he takes the notebook out of my hand.

"You okay, Kells?" He asks looking over the lyrics for the song I just finished.

"Yeah." I breathe.

He flicks through the pages, reading over the lyrics before looking up at me shocked.

"These are really fucking good. We should put these out." Jesse says and I shake my head.

"There's only a few songs there and I don't know..." I mumble trailing off.

"Kells, if you put these out there then it might release some of these bottled up emotions. You know, since you won't talk to anyone about what happened with Vic, then why don't you just sing it." Jesse explains and my stomach clenches at Vic's name. "It could just be like a small ep. We could record it in the next few days. It could be like an acoustic ep."

I think about it for a minute. It does sound like a good idea and singing has always been the only way I can completely express my emotions.

"You really think it could help?" I ask softly and he nods.

"Yep." He smiles and I sigh.

"Okay, acoustic ep it is." I shrug.

I think over the idea more. These are some of the most meaningful songs I've written and I'm a little nervous for people to hear them. I wonder if Vic will hear them. I wonder what he'll think. Will he forgive me? Will he even care?

All these questions and all this uncertainty is driving me insane but there's one thing that I know for sure; I can't live without Victor Vincent Fuentes.


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