I Don't Love You, I Hate You |BL|

11~ The Boy In the Bed

What I felt annoyed me, the fact that I enjoyed it annoyed me.

The muscles of his chest pressed against mine. Warm. So warm.

I gave in; closing my eyes I allowed myself to absorb his warmth. His strong arms, wrapped around me. Squeezing me on to his hard chest more than before.

"don't lie to me." He said. His voice, a whisper. There was a hint of irritation in his voice.

I tilted my head up and looked at his face. The expression he had on his face was so serious that it made me freeze. Behind his eyes I could see something dark. Something that was unspoken of.

Something painful, as if he had lost something that meant so much to him.

Made me sad.

It reminded me of those painful memories of when I was young.

When my parents separated and left me alone, with no one to care. I was isolated. So alone. That was when I learnt that you feel the loneliest when you're in a crowded room. That isolation introduced me to a pain, to a loneliness that I could never put into words. I seemed happy and joyful from the outside. But deep inside, I was hurting, crying out in pain and clawing on the walls of humanity. That was the memory that his eyes brought back. Those memories, that I wanted to run away from.

Why was so much pain behind his eyes. Before I knew what I was doing I had reached up and cupped his face in my hand. He leaned into my touch.

"Do you still hate me?" he asked while looking deep into my eyes.

No, not in that way. "Yes." But as soon as those words left my lips I wanted to take them back.

***

It was the afternoon. Haden had disappeared after our encounter in the morning. It hurt to see him that way. But I couldn't bring myself to remedy what I had done, what I had said. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw his face. The perfect shape of his well sculpted body. It just kept going through my mind. Over and over again.

I couldn't get it out of my mind. Just seeing him, made my heart beat a little bit faster than it did before.

"Are you ok?" Someone asked. I jumped where I sat. The voice startled me and snapped me out of my thoughts. I turned around, only to see Ash. He stood behind me, a simple smile on his face, and dressed in his casual grey chinos and a blue shirt.

"Yeah. I'm good" I answered, without looking directly at him. I had slept with his brother and I didn't want to look at his face.

"Ok.. do you know where Haden is? I haven't seen him all day." At the sound of Haden's name my head spun to face Ash again.

"No, haven't seen him."

"Maybe he is at the office...." He mumbled to himself.

"Office?"

"Yeah!" He said, enthusiastically, "Haven't you ever been there?" He asked, eyes fixed on me.

I shook my head. He looked at his watch for a moment as if he was contemplating something. "I have to go there anyway. Do you wanna come?"

To the office? I was nodding my head in a 'yes' before I could comprehend what I was doing.

Soon, Ash and I were in his car heading down the highway down into the heart of the city. The car screeched to a stop inside an underground car park. RESERVED: Smith Pty ltd. Printed in obnoxious letters on the wall in front of the spot we pulled into. Stepping out of the black Benz and following Ash into the elevator I could feel the dull throb inside my scull.