Modest Secrets - Larry Stylinson AU {Editing}

Chapter 17 - Resurrection

Resurrection

Consciousness roused at the edges of his mind, his body felt still, heavy and his eyelids felt glued shut. Thoughts rushed into his foggy mind like a freight train and his body ached, memories of his heartache and despair rattled through his fragile body and mind in relentless waves. Then, his breath caught, Louis remembered sitting on the floor, trying to call Harry but not having the strength, his arms were tired his mind was so weightless and weary.

His eyes drooped closed and his last thoughts were of Harry, the boys and how everything finally felt peaceful, euphoric even. When he finally let himself go on the cold bathroom floor his pain dissipated like fog in the night air, the searing agony of hiding who he loved faded into the distance and he felt like he was floating on a body of water. The water was like silk against his skin, the tightness in his chest was irrelevant and the anxiety that accompanied hiding his true feelings for Harry were gone.

Lying on his back Louis looked up at a cloudless sky, the colour was a soft blue and he sighed in relief, all the fear of living was washed away and he never thought he could feel so at ease, so free. Everything felt okay, the worries and fear that resided beneath his skin was a declining, unimportant memory. The sadness that filled his veins washed away as he floated further from reality and closer to whatever was next. But Louis was ripped violently from the paradise he had found as clouded recollections of screaming and a retching pain in his stomach slapped him awake. Louis slowly began to recall shuddering viscously beneath freezing cold water in the shower with Harry’s arms wrapped tightly around him. The whisper of memories fluttered slowly into his consciousness, his eyes still heavy Louis remembered the anger of being pulled from his euphoria and back to the cruelness of this life.

Seeing Harry’s fearful expression teetered at the edges of his memory and Louis felt his heart flutter simply thinking of his Harry. The sound of Harry’s broken cries, however, were a harrowing reminder of what had happened, what he had done. He tried not to think of Harry seeing him in that way, of hearing Harry so ruined but he couldn’t shake the haunting memories from his mind.

Conversation echoed around him but everything was muffled, the soft singing voices of what Louis hoped to be his friends filtered through his subconscious and sent a wave of hope through his body. He wanted to reach out, open his eyes and tell them he could hear them but he was so weak. Louis heard the soft, heart breaking sound of Harry sobbing and it tore him apart. Harry was crying over him, his Harry was in pain and Louis could do nothing but listen, being trapped in his own body was a strange but excruciating form of torture within itself.

As Harry’s whimpers slowed so too did the singing voices, he wondered if they were angels but decided against it because he didn’t feel that floating euphoria anymore, only pain and fear. Louis was afraid of waking up, of the consequences of his choices. He worried the boys wouldn’t forgive him and if they did, would they always watch him curiously, waiting for the next breakdown? Louis was afraid of seeing the hurt in Harry’s eyes. I'm afraid of what I'll see.

If Harry couldn’t forgive him, he didn’t know if he could cope. His breathing was slow, his heart raced and Louis felt tight pains in his chest, he was growing so tired he slowly let his body begin to slip back into unconsciousness. Hoping only to greet Harry when he awoke. Louis wished this was all a nightmare he could wake from. 

Silence consumed the room and Louis eyes were lidded but he felt his body begin to awaken from its deep sleep. There was no sense of time in unconsciousness, nor was there any concept of where he was or who he was with. It was like being trapped in a black room not able to move or speak, he felt suffocated and claustrophobic. As his mind slowly cleared Louis focused only on opening his heavy eyes, on trying to wake up but his mind was racing and his body was like a deadweight. Blinking over and over his eyes finally opened, adjusting to the dim light. Still heavy with sleep and groggy, Louis tried to take in his surroundings, remember where he was or what had happened but there was a thick veil over his memory.