Status: On Tour With 1D

My Attempt At Being A Stand-up Comedian

"Uh, hey Liverpool!" I said awkwardly, giving a small wave. "Uh, most of you probably know me. I'm Kate, one of the girls touring with One Direction during the Take Me Home tour and no, we did not bribe, blackmail or threaten them with guns and bombs. They invited us and we said yes so for all you haters out there, shut the fuck up and get over it."

I looked to the side to see the boys beckoning for me to keep talking. I glared at them before looking towards the audience again.

"So I bet you guys are wondering why I'm here on stage instead of 5 Seconds of Summer. They were gonna be here but their car somehow managed to break down and everyone else was too chicken to come out here so I got stuck with the task."

"So I bet a lot of you are wondering how I met the boys. Well, it's actually one of those funny stories that wasn't so funny at the time. It was at one their Auckland concerts in New Zealand early last year when Harry somehow managed to knock me out with a door and in a panic they 'kidnapped' me and forced me to stay with them for a week in their fancy hotel. So yeah, it wasn't a very good start to our relationship."

"Basically what happened was after the week was over, six months passed where they were total dickheads and didn't keep in contact even though they promised they would, didn't you boys?" I glared at them while they simply shrugged and smiled. "And then they invited themselves over to stay with me for two months. That's how rude they are. They just show up on my doorstep and demand to watch Big Bang Theory."

"Those two months were... interesting. I introduced Chelsea and Christina to them which resulted in Chelsea fainting and me getting shot by an ex-friend of mine so those of you who wished I'd be shot, newsflash! Already happened and I survived! I'm like a cat and I've still got seven lives left!"

Laughter rippled among the girls and I smiled. Getting them to laugh is the first step to getting them to like us.

"But for all you girls out there wanting to go on tour with these five idiots, I would highly advise against it. Do you realise how long it takes them to get ready in the morning?! First they all have to have showers, then pick the perfect outfit, next gas out a room with deodorant and then style their hair for half an hour. Add Chelsea and Christina to the mix and it's just an all-out rush to use the bathroom! You see my hair? 30 seconds it took. Just give it a quick brush and it's done!"

More laughter arose.

"Oh, and don't even get me started on their relationships! God! I'm surrounded by PDA for at least four hours a day! Louis and Eleanor, Liam and Danielle, Zayn and Perrie, Chelsea and Josh (they're a couple by the way) plus Christina is all of a sudden dating one the lighting apprentices, Nathan, so I'm the only girl who's still single. More than sixteen years I've been single! Do you know how sad that is? Most girls have a first boyfriend at 13 or 14 but not me! I'm probably gonna have to wait until I'm 72 and even then he'll have to be blind and deaf to fall in love with me!"

"But enough of my blabbering! I'm probably making your ears bleed with the sound of my voice so I might as well answer some questions. Any of you guys down the front got anything you want to know?"

Some of the girls started jumping around near the front of the stage, waving their arms in the air. I approached one who seemed particularly enthusiastic. "Hey, what's your name?" I asked, holding the mic out to her.

"Hi my name's Shelly! I really want to know if Niall or Harry have girlfriends yet?"

"No, not that I know of. If they do, they're very good at hiding it and trust me, Harry completely sucks at hide and go seek. He tried to hide under a pot plant. A pot plant! Okay, next person."

This time I went to a girl who seemed a little more relaxed. "Are management really as bad as everyone says they are?"

"Woah woah woah!" I said. "For all you guys who think management are bad, they're not! Don't hate management, management good. Without them, you wouldn't be here! Those five nimrods are definitely not smart enough to organize a concert, let alone a world tour! Management sorts all that stuff out for them and besides, Paul is part of management and do you guys hate him? Noooo!"

Out of the corner of my eye I said Liam beckon to me and saw 5 Seconds of Summer arriving in the wings.

"Okay guys, question time is over! Sorry for those of you whose questions I couldn't answer, you can ask me via Twitter and I'll answer them as soon as possible! Now, without further ado, I am proud to welcome 5 Seconds of Summer to the stage!"

I quickly retreated offstage while all the girls screamed as the four Australian boys raced onto stage and started playing their music.

"You did it Kate!" Liam cheered, holding up his hand for a high five.

"Are you fucking kidding me?! I was shit scared out there!! Look, at my hands, they're shaking!" I yelled. "Oh my god, speeches are nothing compared to going out there! Holy fuck!"

"Hey, calm down," Liam said. "Look on the bright side; you didn't get pelted with tomatoes and I think you may have just won them over."

I looked back out at the audience, seeing them singing along and realised what I'd just managed to do.

"Yeah, maybe I did."