Rants (because I can't come up with a better name)

stressful

So the past couple days have been a whirlwind of confusing shit.

I'm on spring break this week, so I ended up spending all of yesterday internally freaking out about being in a relationship with the girl from my last rant. And I kind of ended up admitting to her at like midnight last night that I didn't think I was ready for a relationship. She had started out the conversation saying she wasn't ready to move on, but by the time I admitted I was freaked out by the idea of it, she was sort of trying to convince me relationships aren't that bad.

Here's the thing though: I don't know for sure that I'm bisexual.

Like, yes, I'd be open to be in a relationship with either gender if they liked me back, but when it comes to stuff like sex or even kissing, I feel almost uncomfortable. I just sort of want someone to cuddle. I don't know if that means I'm asexual or demisexual or what, but I'm just sort of freaked out by the idea of it all. 

On top of all of that, I think I was having a legit anxiety attack last night.

I was just in my room, sitting in my bed, watching a shitty mirrored version of Lemonade Mouth on YouTube (fucking love that movie), and I could just feel myself physically shaking. I had put my phone on Do Not Disturb so I wouldn't know if anyone had texted me, since I was trying to avoid talking to my other friend (the one I ranted about in another rant who's having a shit load of problems that I don't know how to help with anymore), but in the back of my head I was flipping out and wondering if she was okay and if she hated me or thought I hated her or something. By the time I was done watching the movie, I had this mental image of me just curled in a ball in the corner of my room shaking and sobbing my eyes out because of all of this sudden stress about a million things at once.

And that sort of ended up happening to me today.

Okay, it didn't last as long as I thought it would, and it was while my mom was in the room because she was asking me questions about my friend (the one with all of the problems) and I just sort of broke and I didn't know what to do anymore.

I still haven't texted the problem friend back. I'm too scared to.

I don't know what to do. My mom is about to take me shopping and I desperately want to try and get together with some friends one more time this weekend, but I'm not going to have any free time to because this coming week is production week for the play at my old school (which I'm stage managing) and I have four hour practices on both Saturday and Sunday then every single day next week, too. 

This should be real fun.

-Cat