And I can't sleep. Again. Then I feel that warm feeling in my throat and I feel like crying.
Phil is in front of me, he has no problems. He's already been up the other night and I don't want him to stay this too, so I'm quiet and I try not to move.
I start to distract myself thinking about things. Type.. Phil? Yes, Phil. He is so beautiful.
I end up, I don't know how, to think about some sandwiches. Then I start to count from one to one hundred, and then from one hundred to one. And at fifty-three I feel a lump in my throat. I sit down immediately without getting out of bed, and drink water.
My head is spinning.
I am breathing quickly and I put a hand over my heart. God, I don't want a panic attack at night.
I get up and lean against the wall, then take deep breath and decide what to do.
I go into the bathroom and flush my face, then return to bed. I'm afraid to be alone in the living room and I want to stay close to Phil. I start to feel tired eyes, and I hug to him, then, suddenly, I start to shake.
I look at the clock and see that it's still two o'clock. I feel like crying.
I shake Phil and he wakes up immediately, "Dan? You can't sleep?"
"I-I feel bad"
"No, sh", he sits up and make me rest my head on his chest, "Breathe deeply"
"I can't"
He puts his hand on my heart, "You can"
The warmth of his body is so relaxing and immediately I feel a relief situation. Then I feel him caressing my back and leaving me some kisses on mu forehead.
"Are you better love?"
"A little", I say honestly. He makes me feel better right away.
"I'll stay here until you'll need me"
"Thank you so much"
"Sh", he kisses me.
I smile and I'm quiet, "Do you want to drink something warm? A tea?"
"Maybe"
"I'm going to do it, I'll put a second", he kisses me and gets up, and goes to the kitchen.
In the meantime, I think how sweet he is. I love him so much.
"Here I am", he smiles and hands me the cup.
"Thank you Phil", I smile and I drink a bit. This small gesture is already enough to make me feel better.
He smiles and hugs me, and in the meantime I finish. Then I put the cup on the nightstand.
"You want to try to sleep?"
"Yes. Sorry if I do stay up you", I whisper.
"Hey", he smiles and takes my chin, then kisses me, "I love you so, so much"
"I love you too"
We put ourselves under the sheets and he puts his nose against mine, then smiles. It's alright until I start to think about bad things.
"Dan you're shaking, please don't make me worry"
"I-I'm fine, I have to go to the bathroom", I say and he gets up.
"I come with you"
I smile and go to the bathroom, I rinse my face but I always feel bad.
"I'll take you to the hospital, okay?"
"Yes", I say. I don't like to go there, but there is a solution, I'm too sick. He quickly put some clothes on him and a coat for me, then he takes me into the car.
"Dan don't sleep"
"No, I'm not going to sleep"
Throughout the journey he keeps me up with jokes and funny things. Then, finally, we arrive. He helps me to come down and we enter in the hospital, and we go to the lady.
"Guys?", she asks.
"My boy is bad", Phil says making me smile, "A cross between insomnia and panic attacks, and I have no idea how to do, it happens often but this time it's worse. So please.."
"Okay, okay", she says and with a phone she calls the doctors, I think.
"Sit there, they will come soon"
Phil nods and takes my hand, then brings me to sit down.
"How are you?"
"Not good..", I whisper.
He comes over and kisses my cheek, "You're beautiful"
I smile and the doctor arrive, "Is he the guy? Come"
I don't leave Phil's hand, "C'mon Dan, see you soon, mh?"
"No, come with me"
"Do as he says, you can come", the doctor says and I shoot a sigh of relief. It leads us on the stairs and then into a room, and I lie down on the bed.
"Don't worry Dan", he smiles and strokes my hand.
"Yes, I love you Phil"
"I love you too sweetheart"
Suddenly I feel a needle in my vein, and turn around the head.
"Now we will do some tests", the doctor says to Phil. Then I fall asleep.
//
I wake up. Phil sleeps beside me, he's so beautiful. I see a machine that controls my heart on my left, and other equipment.
He shakes his arm and he wakes up immediately.
"Phil"
"Dan, how are you? Are you better?"
"Yes", I smile even though I always have that pain in the chest, "What have they done to me?"
"We are awaiting the results of some analysis", he says, and presses a red button, "The doctor told me to press it as soon you'd woken up"
Before long, he comes with some cards.
"Dan"
"Yes?"
"You have a lot of bogus values, you will need to take vitamins"
"Yes, but how is him?, Phil asks.
"Well. You'll just try to stay calm because unfortunately we can not do anything. But I am sure that with your boyfriend by your side you would know these things a few times, if you start taking care of yourself", he smiles, "And you'll go to a psychologist"
"But I'm not crazy"
"I know you're not crazy, he will serve to calm down, now excuse me but I go"
"Wait, when we have to stay here?", Phil asks.
"A day of observation and you can go home", he says and smiles. I smile at Phil and he reciprocates.
"I told you you'd be good", he smiles.
"Thank you"
"Well, if it's not me who can do it?", he asks and kisses me.
"Right"
"For better or for worse"
