puberty | hiatus

t w e n t y.

i run to my bedroom.

so stupid.

so dumb.

you love him.

you idiot.

isn't it funny how whatever song you play when you are going through something so big and horrible to you, but it doesn't mean anything to anyone else, that song, no matter how happy it is, it becomes this awful thing where the memory comes back again and again and torments you.

it makes you cry, a giant lump in your throat.

tears slowly fill your eyes, and the pain increases in your heart.

but you listen to the song over and over to keep the pain there.

but you keep a brave face on because you don't want to bring others down.

i will be strong, i won't let him leaving affect me. i have to be strong.

mom knocks on my door, "sweetie? he left something here..."

i look at it and gasp. it's a photo i thought i'd never see again.

it's him and i when we were six years old, arms around each other and gap toothed smiles so big they're up to our ears.

"mom..can i have the car?"

"but i just—yes."

and so she tosses her keys to me, then a minute later snatches them back.

"mom? what are you—"

she looks at me, then she says, "really? you think i'd let you go catch the love of your life without me?? no i am so not missing this moment!"

then she pulls me out the door and into the car, and shoves a makeup bag toward me.

"make yourself glow—i got all this stuff from that expensive seafoura place as your late birthday present so—"

"mom do you mean sEPHORA?!!!"

"yes."

"i lovE YOU!"

--
nate

getting on the plane i promise myself i won't look back. i can't look back.

because if i do, i'll go running back to lucia, and i can't live in a fairytale forever, even though she is one.

ugh, i'm not making any sense, lucia, what have you done to my heart?!

even though we spent so many beautiful months together, we never said "i love you," to each other.

even though i love her and have loved her since i met her when we were very young.

"flight 2897 now boarding."

i sigh and climb on the plane, my headphones blasting music. i almost think i hear lucia's voice and almost turn around but.. she hates me now. and for good reason.

i've made her life hell, and now i'm staying out of it.

settling in a window seat, the guy next to me recognizes me and starts jabbering away about autographs and cat videos.

i try to listen but— i'm so tired. i turn my head away from the window and put sunglasses on so the guy next to me will think i'm not being too rude.

drifting off, i listen to ed sheeran sing quietly through my headphones.

so in love, so in love, so in love.

--
lucia

mom rushes through the automatic doors at the airport.

"listen lady, my daughter needs to get to her true love now so where is the gate to flight 2897?!!"

"mom..mom chill okay.. it's gate 34, and it's boarding right now—i'll be right back!"

running through the airport i see him, head down, music blasting.

i try to yell to him, but he doesn't hear me.

he walks into the plane, and i see him turn away from the window, after looking at me.

maybe he doesn't love me..

but i will always love him.

so he goes, and i stay. but it's okay, because eventually i'll get over him.