Black Film | Phan (COMPLETE)

Chapter 15: Trust

I felt cold liquid being splashed onto my face, the sound of the taps running was interrupted by my coughing. I opened my eyes and saw Dan shaking off his wet hand. He put it against my forehead and grimaced as he pulled it back.
"You need some water." I saw he had my bag, I didn't remember bringing it here. He searched through it but what he pulled out wasn't my bottle of water.
"What the fuc-" he stopped himself and picked up my pills, he looked at them confused. He turned to me and thrust them into my dazed face. "What are these?"
"Why do you care?" It wasn't like he had cared much up until now, in the entire time I'd known him we'd had two proper conversations and most of the time it was like he was still a stranger to me. Besides, I didn't want him to see me like this. "Just leave me alone."
"Why?" I saw his knuckles whiten as he gripped the bottle. He shook the pills and I heard the familiar noise of them hitting against each other in the small container. I squeezed my eyes shut, I had never told any of my friends this and I knew from now on he would see me differently.
"I-I have anxiety okay!?" I burst out, even though he had already figured it out.
"Why didn't you tell me?" his voice was surprisingly soft, I opened my eyes and I saw him putting the pills back. He grabbed the bottle of water and handed it to me.
"It's n-not something I talk about," I mumbled and stared into my water.
"Is it my fault you're here now?" He asked, I shook my head. He had triggered my anxiety but it was my own stupid fault for taking the pills. It was silent for a moment."I thought you hated me..." he began, "You're always more talkative with Louise and others, more than with me. I thought it was a hint."
"No!" I said, maybe too quickly. "No," I said again but quieter. "I'm just more anxious around you."
"Is that a bad thing?"Dan half smiled at me.
"Yes and no." Yes beause I can't talk to him but no because I, well, because I just want him to like me more than I want others to. Never mind it is just a bad thing, with anxiety you can only be okay around people you talk to a lot but you can't talk to people because it makes you anxious.
"Are you okay?" He asked and leaned in closer to me, he felt warm.
"I..."
"If theres something, anything, I'm here for you," he spoke and made me realise how much I had wanted to hear those words. Not just from Dan but from anyone. I was done pretending I was alright.
"Have you ever wanted to disappear?" I asked, Dan looked at me. He opened his mouth to speak but then shut it again, gaping the air for an answer that he couldn't find. "It's okay, I shouldn't have said anything..."
"No," Dan spoke and looked me in the eyes, I could stare at his chocolate brown eyes all day long. "Let's try something else... do you trust me?" He bit his lip.
"What?"
"You must believe everything I say right now, pinky promise?" "Okay," I said and he gripped my little finger with his, his touch was gentle. He let go of my finger but he stayed in a close proximity.
"Imagine you're in a blank room, away from everyone, no nasty thoughts. Just you," he began.
"What about you?"
"If I make you happy you can let me into your room, its up to you." Does he make me happy? He's making me happy now.
"O-" I began but was cut off,
"-shh, close your eyes." I did as told.
"Take 3 deep breaths, imagine you're blowing away all the troubles you have. Breathe in all the good thoughts." There was a moment of silence as I breathed. "Right, here's a secret: if you weren't here nothing would be the same, do you understand Phil?" I felt his hand on top of my hand, I didn't open my eyes in fear I was imaging it. "You're never alone, we all have a purpose and you will find it. Promise you'll never stop trying, you'll never give up." I nodded "Everyone feels like giving up, disappearing, but I'm giving you a reason to carry on."
"What's that?" I asked and opened my eyes to look at him. His hand was on top of mine.
"I'll fail Film if you go," he said with a chuckle.
"Well we wouldn't want that," I said half heartedly and felt like tearing my hand away from his but he was joking, he was trying to make me feel better.
"You know Phil," He carried on, "maybe the femme-fatale is actually the good wife and not everything will end in disaster."

As we stood up, realising that we were literally in our colleges toilets having this heart to heart talk, Dan was spouting out a bunch of nonsense but I got the message. I was playing the femme fatale in our film, I embodied that particular character so he was telling me that just because I was playing a role it didn't mean my path in life is determined, I can change my outcome. If only life would work that way for me, the only way to change my outcome is to change my character...

AN: I stayed behind in college to finish off some coursework and I'm tired af so I hope this chapter makes sense. I'm going to get some much needed rest, have a good day/afternoon/night everyone!
- Rach x