Black Film | Phan (COMPLETE)

Chapter 10: Alone

I woke up the next morning, I looked at the bottle of pills on my bedside table. I had read a lot up online about how they can worsen anxiety and make you drowsy but they were better than nothing. I took one and swallowed it dry, I put the rest in my bag just in case I needed another at some point.
"Are you alright to go in today?" my mum asked me in the morning, looking at me worriedly. I gave her a weak smile.
"I'll be fine," I told her. "I'm feeling much better today." I wasn't, but hopefully the pills would kick in soon, my mind was already feeling cloudier but in a good way. I felt like my mind was in the clouds whilst my anxiety was on the floor, crumpled and no longer a part of me.
"As long as you're sure..." She didn't look convinced  but I wasn't going to have another day off, I could do this.
"I'm sure."

First lesson today was film. With my new found anxiety blocker I was pretty excited about seeing Dan, although I can't say the swelling like pain in my stomach had completely gone away. The pills weren't actually meant to kick in properly for another week or so but a mitigated version of an illness is better than the full illness. I walked into my lesson, Dan was sitting in his usual place. He looked as amazing as ever, although his skin looked less tanned today. Probably from the lack of sun Britain had to offer, I bet he travels a lot. 
I realised I was staring and looked away, I took my usual seat next to Dan.
"Hey," I said. He didn't reply, he mumbled something that I couldn't quite hear and left it at that. I wondered why he was ignoring, maybe it was something I had done. Yes, I had definitely done something. Whether it be indirectly or not I had messed up this possible friendship. I'm such a failure and I don't even know how to fix it. 
"Hey guys!" Louise arrived.
"Hey," Dan replied. So, he's talking to her... what had I done that Louise obviously hadn't? Was it the bus ride home, had he realised how pathetic I was and no longer wanted to be associated with me? Had news about my panic attack yesterday already gone around the college and Dan had found out and now hated me because I was an anxious freak? I wish I knew.
"Hi," I finally said to Louise, feeling a little glum but managing a small smile. 
"You seem down Phil, what's wrong?" Louise asked. 
I'm being ignored by my crush and I don't know what I've done. I'm scared I will have another panic attack, I'm scared I will lose myself all over again along with anyone I have met here so far. I'm scared of being alone again. 
"I'm fine," I said after a moment. 
"Sure?" 
"Sure." 
"Okay..." She trailed off, not looking at all convinced but I was happy she wasn't pushing it. "What about you mister grumpy?" She asked Dan.
"I'm cool." He said it very clearly, not at all like he spoke to me. I had done something wrong, this just proved it further. 
"Well, this is going to be a fun lesson," Louise said sarcastically, I nodded in agreement. Luckily today we were watching an actual film rather than working on the coursework so I could lose myself in the performance of the people. The way they spoke, the relationships, the lighting and camera angles. The way the low camera angle made the people look so much more powerful than the weak, vulnerable people displayed at the high angles. I stared at the blue lighting, how it gave the effect of gloom and coldness; the very coldness I was feeling now. The bleakness of the world around me seemed to be mirrored in the film. 

When the lights came back on I quickly sent a message to Chris.
Me: Hey, I have to stay behind so won't be joining you for lunch. Sorry. 
Chris: No worries mate! See you in lit?
Me: Yeah, see you then. Tell PJ I said Hi since I won't see him today
Chris: Hi back, you're missing my arts and crafts session. I was asked to create a board game for revision  - from Peej the card master
Me: Haha that sounds fun, shame I'm missing it. 

I locked my phone and slid it into my pocket. I wasn't busy, I just wanted some time alone. I felt guilty that I had lied to my mates but they wouldn't understand or even get offended if I said I didn't want to hang out today. They wouldn't get my anxiety, they would tell me I was being silly and that they wouldn't judge me no matter what. That's what they all say, but they don't really mean it. If they know you have anxiety they tread on eggshells around you, that would just make me feel worse and like I was someone that couldn't keep a lid on his emotions. I wanted to be an ordinary person, I just want to fit in. 

I didn't say goodbye to Dan as I left, not that he would've noticed if I had done. I waved a goodbye to Louise and then left quickly, gripping onto my backpack straps anxious that I might bump into PJ and Chris and have to explain myself. I had to get away from the college. 
I left the building, I breathed in the cold fresh air. It filled my lungs but rather than the frost setting in I felt like the ice like grip inside me was melting away. The more I walked the better I felt, I put my headphones in and ignored the world as lyrics flew around my brain. I forgot about Dan, about ditching my friends. About everything. 
Soon I got too cold to carry on aimlessly wandering around town, I saw a small library and made my way inside. I felt comfortable in the small shop. Something about books - the smell of them, the many words scrawled inside containing so many thoughts and emotions - made me feel at peace. I breathed in deeply and allowed the aroma of fresh books, old books and someone's recently brewed coffee to take over my senses. 
I sat down, cross-legged, in front of the book shelf that held Manga's. I picked up the closest one and started flipping through it, allowing each picture to embed into my brain. I stayed like that for the rest of lunch and no one disturbed me. It was so peaceful that I lost track of time and missed Psychology, getting back to college in time for Lit. 
"Hey man, enjoy your break?" Chris asked me.
"It was alright, could've been better," I replied. But in my head I was thinking that the only way it could be better was if it had lasted so much longer. 

AN: This is pretty much a filler chapter, more soon 
- Rach :)