Black Film | Phan (COMPLETE)

Chapter 01: Friend?

I flicked through the college website one last time, analysing all the courses to make sure they were exactly right. Not that I'd change them now anyway.

It was 7 am but I had been awake pretty much all night, I couldn't get to sleep. I hated the feeling you get in your stomach, the pure pain that swells your abdomen. I have the hot feeling already and I'm not even at college yet. Flushes of heat show clearly on my pale face. I guess that's why I have my hair cut the way I do, my fringe allows me to hide my face, hide my anxiety, hide me...

"Phil?" My mum knocks gently on my bedroom door, she comes in and sits down on the edge of my bed as I lock my phone and put it on the side.
"Yeah?" I ask, trying to read her. She gives me a small smile but I don't return it, I feel too sick.
"You don't have to go in today" She tells me, her smile wavering "If it's too hard for you I'll understand, we can work through it... we have all week" I bite my lip, I so want to say yes. I want to have today off, I'm not ready to go into college. Its big, it's scary and I don't know anyone! All my old friends went to a different college and I missed out quite a lot of Yr11 anyway so I'm not so close with anyone anymore. I'm so scared of what people will think of me but if I don't go today then I'll be even more singled out. People will make new friends today and I'll be the odd one out... again.
I need to go in today, I need to face my fears and get over them for crying out loud!
"I'll be fine" I mumble and before my mum could reply I nudged her with my feet "I need to get ready now" I smile at her half heartedly but it's enough to get her to leave. When the door closes I fall back down on my bed and close my eyes harshly, trying to block everything out. I remember the techniques I learnt online: Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. I think of cute things like cats and pretty autumn colours, I try to calm myself down but it's not working. Not today. My worries are too overpowering and I don't know how to stop them! My chest begins to ache, my head spins, I pinch my eyes shut harder. I hate this. I hate feeling this way. My feelings are welling up inside me and I can feel wetness drip down my face, I can't let myself be this way anymore. I just can't. It's been 3 years. I wish it would stop. I wish I could disappear and not have to deal with anything.

After what feels like forever, but is actually more like 10 minutes, I finally get out of bed and chuck on the clothes I picked out the day before. I was wearing a muse top and some black skinnies. My whole wardrobe was full of cute tops and band merch, I liked wearing these things because it made me feel like my clothes could do the talking for me. You can learn a lot about a person by what they like. I straightened my hair and then looked at myself in the mirror too many times to count in order to make sure I looked just right. I didn't.
"Awe! Don't you look handsome" My mum exclaimed as I walked into the kitchen and put some toast in the toaster. I smiled widely at her, although she would say I looked good if I came down the stairs transformed into the crap emoji! It didn't make me feel any better but I appreciated the compliment all the same.

I managed to eat the suddenly dry tasting toast but the sickly feeling I had made it really hard to eat. And I love toast so this is a big thing! Everything about it seemed awful today, the crust scratched my throat and it was too heavy in my stomach.

"Ready to go?" My mum asked me, a little later, from the door, I nodded. My dad was already at work so it was up to my mum to drive me this week (and possibly next) until I worked up the courage to take the bus. I've always hated buses but I can't really explain why. Maybe it's being enclosed in a place full of strangers? That's probably the best explanation.

I shoved my bag on my back, and left the house with my mum trailing behind. Once in the car my hands began to shake, my stomach became a bottomless pit and I felt completely empty and dizzy. I was afraid I might pass out, although I never have before. I jumped when I felt cold touch my hand, I looked down to see my mum's hand on top of mine
"You'll be fine Philly" she said soothingly "You'll make friends in no time"
"Thanks mum" I said and she revved up the engine.
I stared out of the window thinking about how to actually make friends. Sure I could probably talk to people if I absolutely had to but I don't know how to carry on talking to people and develop it into a friendship. I've never even had a best friend before.