Black Film | Phan (COMPLETE)

Chapter 09: Panic station!

Today was a high anxiety day, I get them sometimes. I'm anxious everyday but sometimes it becomes too much. On days like this I want to stay home but today I couldnt, I had to go to college and do work. I couldnt afford to miss any lessons because I'd get more stressed that I was missing something important. It didn't help that I had to get the bus in the morning since my mum was ill so she was having the day off from work. I wished I could justify me staying off by saying I'd look after mum but she'd only insist she was fine anyway.
I got onto the bus, it was a double decker this morning and because it was so early hardly anyone was on the bus. I made my way to the top deck and nestled into the back seat, rubbing my hands together to retain some warmth. Usually I would sit at the front of the bus, so I could look out the window and pretend I was driving. That's what I used to do as a kid, but now I prefer to comfortable space at the back that was away from everyone.

I looked at my hands and I was shaking, the closer I got to college the more my chest began to compress inwards. 

Once at college I hid in the toilets, I put my hands against my face and tried to take calming breaths, it wasn't working. I had psychology first, at least Dan wouldn't see what a mess I am. He'd get to witness that later, I just hoped my anxiety lessened as the day progressed - but out of experience I know it gets worse. All too soon it was time to go to lesson, I thought about splashing water onto my face but I knew my fringe would get wet and stick to my face in an unattractive way.
I was shaking hard. I picked up my psych book as the teacher talked and I could see it tremble in my  grasp. I bet other people could see it.
"Phil, what type of social influence is this?" The teacher called on me, I glanced at the board and tried to work out what she was asking me. I felt my head whirl and I couldn't make out the words. I felt like a fog was inhibiting my vision, making me feel like I was looking at the world through a bubble.
"Nor-Normative," I squeezed out through my tightening throat. My mouth felt dry. That was pathetic, I bet everyone heard your voice wobble. They're going to know how much of a freak you are, just get over it .
"Good try but it was informative," the teacher let me down gently, on the other side of the room someone chuckled. Probably at a conversation they were having they're laughing at you genius, my mind told me. I listened to it.
My head whirled, I was scared and disorientated. My stomach began to churn and twist in a painful way, the pain spread up to my chest. My heart was thumping loudly in my ears, the sound ricocheting off the walls of my skull. I felt sick, I had a horrible taste in my mouth that I couldn't get rid of. I was going to be sick, the pain in my stomach got worse. I was going to be sick in front of everyone.
I stood up, I don't know if people looked. Dizziness swarmed in my head, I was gripped by coldness but at the same time heat.

I stumbled out of lesson. I couldn't breathe, I was losing the ability to breathe. I rushed into the bathroom.  I kneeled in the cubicle but no sick came out of me, instead I gasped for air. I shook all over. This must have lasted for about ten minutes, no one from lesson came to find me.

I looked at myself in the mirror, I was very pale after the ordeal -more so than usual. I remembered that feeling now, the feeling of a panic attack. I had had one many times before but not recently.  I hadn't had one in so long that I had forgotten how badly they take control over your body.

The teacher took one look at me, she didn't need to ask the next question but she did anyway, "do you want to go home?"
I nodded and grabbed my bag, everyone was looking at me. I tried to keep my breathing level. I counted my footsteps as I moved to try and get something to focus on.
I continued this until I walked into town, I kept my eyes on the ground and watched my feet tap on the pavement, I felt weak for leaving so early but at least I had tried. If anyone asks what was wrong I'll just say I felt sick, I'll make something up. People are a lot nicer when it comes to physical illnesses rather than mental ones so I doubt I'll tell anyone about my anxiety.

I looked towards the bus station and saw my bus wasn't here yet. It was freezing, I saw a shop and went in to keep warm. I rubbed my hands on entering and avoided eye contact with everyone in the store. It wasn't overly busy but most aisles had at least person inhabiting the space, except for one. The medicine isle, I went down that one. I glanced at the products just to appear to be a customer rather than someone escaping the British weather. One product caught my eye; anxiety reducing tablets. They were the companies brand, I hadn't seen them before but at this point I knew I was desperate. I could get these and then not have to worry about college.
Before I knew what I was doing I was already leaving the shop with the pills in a bag, it was an impulsive buy but hopefully one I wouldn't regret.

AN:
It's been a while but here's an update :)