Black Film | Phan (COMPLETE)

Chapter 11: Not good enough

I made it to the bus station without much fuss, I just hoped the bus would arrive before Dan so I didn't have to have an awkward bus ride home where we sat in different seats and didn't talk or acknowledge the others presence. I just wanted to get home and curl into a ball whilst surrounded by warm blankets. I didn't want to think about college, I didn't want to think about how the pills actually did nothing and this morning I had experienced the placebo effect, I didn't want to think about how  my anxiety would never go. I would always be a loner. It would soon absorb me until you couldn't distinguish my true self from my mental illness. The lines between the two were already becoming blurred and I didn't even know who I was anymore. 

The bus finally pulled in, there was no Dan in sight. I sighed out in relief and hopped onto the bus, showing the miserable driver my bus pass. He grunted and I made my way to the back seat and got ready for the long ride. I put my head against the window and looked out. The bus was about to pull away when I heard mumbled shouting and the doors opening again. 
"Thank you," the voice spoke out of breath. It sounded like Dan. I put my head farther down and hoped he wouldn't see me. 
"Phil!" no "I almost didn't see you there, how are you?" 
"I'm good." So you're talking to me now? 
"Good..." He trailed off, I felt the awkwardness level increase. He plonked down in the seat next to me.
"How are you?" I said, out of politeness and just to keep up the pointless phatic talk. 
"I'm good too," He replied and put in a single ear bud.
"Good." 
"Good." I looked up and caught sight of his cheeky grin, I looked away and heard him sigh. "Sorry I didn't talk much in film."
"It's okay." My voice was quiet. 
"It's not, I just have a lot on my mind." Which was why you could make conversation with Louise and not me? Makes perfect sense. 
"Don't worry about it," I replied. I fidgeted in my seat, I just wanted the bus ride to be over but we were nowhere near my stop.
Dan carried on, "I'm worried about our film project."
"What about it?" 
"Just..." He stayed quiet for a moment, I looked up to make sure he hadn't already said it and I had missed it, he was biting his lip. He licked his lips. "We should probably schedule a date." I stared at him blankly, a date? What kind of date? What did he mean? "You know, for the photo shoot," he said slowly and it clicked in. He didn't mean a date date, he meant a time date. 
"Oh yeah, that's what I thought you meant," I lied. "When you thinking?" 
"Well we need to talk to Louise," he explained, "but I was thinking maybe tomorrow, at mine?" 
"Yeah." I nodded. "Sounds good."
"Awesome," he said, his voice too enthusiastic. All I was to him was a partner to pass a class, that's why he was talking to me now. He realised he had screwed up and was now trying to make me forget the blatant rudeness that had taken place today, but I didn't forget easily. I thought we could be friends but it was clear he was just using me, I wasn't okay with that. Maybe Louise was doing the same, hell maybe everyone is doing the same and I'm nothing but someone that people use for their own gain. I sighed and looked out the window. 
"So." He stretched out the 'o'. "How's my Philly doing at college?" he asked as casually as he could. 
"Pretty good, you?" I replied. 
"Tired, I just wanna sleepp," he complained and stretched his entire body so he was lying over me. I jumped when I felt his warmth touch me and send electricity through me.  His face looked silly and pudgy as he looked up at me, I couldn't help but giggle. I liked the closeness, as much as I hated to admit it. I felt awkward though and didn't quite know whether to push him off me or run my fingers through his hair; as a compromise, I did neither. 
"Do you fancy anyone Phil?" He questioned out of nowhere, I blushed bright red and Dan sat upright. His shoulder was closer to mine now, he was basically leaning on me. 
"Not really," I lied but was it a lie? Do I fancy Dan? "You?" 
"Well, I did."
"Oh?" I arched an eyebrow in questioning, for some reason, this intrigued me. 
"Yeah. I met this guy on open day, oh by the way I'm bi as fuck just so you know, and he was really cute and funny." He spoke casually without a pause. This translated to: I like dudes but not you. 
"Does he have a name?" 
"Chris," he told me without missing a beat. Was this my Chris? If so I know I can't compare to him, he's sassy and funny and cute and I was non of those things. I smiled. 
"Does he take English lit? Really into acting?" I asked. 
"Yeah, yeah that's him!" He cheered. "You know him?"
"He's my friend."
"Oh wow." He smiled. "I mean, I don't fancy him anymore but it's cool you know him. Tell him Dan says hi."
"Will do, how come you don't like him anymore?" I asked, he shrugged.
"Dunno, just haven't' spoken to him in a while." So there's a chance he could like him again. "What do you like in a partner Phil?"
"Um, someone who's funny." and sitting right next to me "You?"
"Well, I don't have a type but he has got to like cool music" me "And be caring, trustworthy" me "oh, and a button nose wouldn't go amiss" not me "and someone who's cute, I love cute people that you just want to constantly cuddle" not me. 
Personality wise I was perfect for Dan, looks wise I might as well just put a plastic bag over my head now and admit defeat.  I would never be enough for Dan. I'm not good enough for anyone anyway, how could I even for a second think me and Dan had a chance? 

AN: Update! ^-^ I finished this chapter quicker than I thought I would.
I've been revising all day and I wrote this in my small break. Ugh, I hate mock exams. 
- Rach