semi-automatic ; j.d

seventy ; brownies & birthday cards

he rolls her eyes. "you're no fun. c'mon at least tell me how big it is--"

"okay!" mia stops him from saying anything else, her cheeks scarlet. "i'll see you around, luke." and with that she closes the door.

"who was it?" asks josh, munching on a spoonful of lucky charms while his eyes stay focused on the tv.

mia sets the plate of brownies down on the dinner table and absentmindedly goes through the mail. bill, random coupons, another bill. "luke."

he nods his head absentmindedly. "oh, that's the guy in the lobby, right? the one that always stares at me and gives you a thumbs up?"

"yep, that's the one," she replies. a birthday card from her uncle, ooh-, a victoria's secret coupon. "he made me brownies."

"oh, cool. that's really nice," josh says back after swallowing. how he can be so focused on one thing and still keep a conversation amazes mia.

she walks over to the side of the couch, eyes still focused on the mail. another one of josh's space magazines, bills, a birthday card from her dad--

mia freezes.

when she was ten years old, a letter came in the mail for her that was from the same address. her mom found it and took it away, saying something along the lines of 'if he wants to try to be an actual father, he can come see his kids instead of sending letters'.

she would get a card every year on her birthday from him - even when she moved out. how her father managed to find out her address was a mystery.

they had always been left unopened. mia was too scared to ever read them, to see what he wrote. the only memories she even had of her dad were what her mom told her, and she didn't really want anything to do with him. he didn't feel like her actual dad, not really, anyways. he wasn't there to see her grow up, what gave him the right to try to be apart of her life now?

after a split second of hesitation, mia rips the envelope in half and takes it to the garbage, tossing it into the bin without thinking. no, she tells herself. it's stupid. he doesn't even know you.

now her stomach is swirling with nerves. her head feels both heavy and light at the same time, and it's a feeling that makes her want to vomit. it's like an overwhelming pressure. all of her skin feels wrong - like it doesn't belong to her. she feels foreign in her own body, icky - for a lack of better word.

still in the kitchen, she takes her foot off the lever and watches the lid of the garbage close before she steps towards the counter and picks up one of the pill bottles sitting by the coffee pot.

seriously? you're that easily triggered that all it takes is one stupid letter and you're popping pills?

mia ignores her thoughts and carefully opens the prescription bottle of lorazepam. she shakes out one of the pills and holds it in her unsteady palm while filling a glass of water.

you probably don't even really need that. it's all just in your head.

she swallows the pill along with a large gulp of water.

you're practically twenty one and still relying on pills, huh? thought you'd move on from this. pathetic.

mia walks into the living room and comes to a stop in front of josh, who's spooning lucky charms into his mouth with his eyes flickering back and forth on the tv.