Comedian (A Hariana Love Story | h.s a.g)

Part 22: Baby Dilemma

"I'm not insane! I'm being realistic! I'm sorry but I don't know how to talk to kids and my parents didn't do a really good job in terms of guiding me, we never talked about my feelings or hung out with other people and so I don't know how to do that, you even know how bad I am with stuff like that. Why would I want to make some kid go through that with me?!" I say truthfully since I honestly feel like my parents were terrible at their job. I mean don't get me wrong, they're not terrible human beings or anything, they just weren't cut out to be parents and I have no real knowledge of how to be myself and the whole idea really stresses me out, I don't think I can be a good parent either and I know how much it sucks to have parents who don't know what the hell they're doing.

"But you were great with Lux right now!" He argues.

"Yea but all she wanted to do was play, she wasn't being needy at all! And besides it was only for a couple of hours and it left me exhausted since I had to put up this act and pretend to be having fun. I'm sorry but I have no interest in listening to her childish stories!" I say back trying to keep my voice down so that Lux doesn't wake up.

"So you didn't have fun" Harry says visibly upset.

"I'm sorry Harry, I'm not like you, I don't know how to act around kids and it doesn't make me happy, it makes me stressed out since I know I'm not good at making myself seem fun in front of kids" I say.

"Stop apologizing" Harry says which reminds me of when we first started dating and how he always use to say that every time I tried to justify my personality and feelings. I begin getting up since I don't want to deal with the talk Harry and I were about to have that would probably result in us breaking up but he grabs my arms and forces me to sit back down so that we were now both sitting beside each other on the couch rather than cuddling on it like we were before.

"Where are you going" he asks still visibly upset.

"I was leaving, I know what's happening so I thought I would just save us the time" I say trying to leave again but he stops me again.

"What are you talking about?! Ari I don't want to break up with you! Why would I? Because you're afraid of having kids?! I love you way too much to let something like that break us. His voice is low and serious since we're still trying to keep our voices down.

"What do you mean?! Having kids is a pretty big topic and we clearly want different things and I don't think I can ever give you what you want and you deserve someone who will!" I say and I feel tears begin to fill my eyes "I don't know why I wasted so much of your time when in the back of my head I guess I kinda figured we could never work, I know kids are a long ways away but why do this when its not going to end well" I add.

"Because I love you! And I want to be with you and if we're together in 5 years and you still don't want kids then that's fine we won't have them!" Harry exclaims and I feel the tears begin to roll down my face as I turn from Harry to make sure he doesn't notice and I quickly wipe them away.

"No Harry I'm not going to make you live your whole life without kids because I know you'll be miserable!" I rebuttal.

"No I won't, I'd be fine not having kids too, I mean I wouldn't mind having them but if you didn't want them than I'd be completely happy not having them as well" he says placing his hand on my chin and lightly moving my face towards him. I try to look down to make sure he doesn't notice the tears that are streaming down my face. "Don't cry Ari, it's fine, I'm not mad about the fact that you don't want kids! I get it, and I don't want you to think that I would ever be miserable for being with you!" he says as he wraps his arms around my waist to pull me closer to him. He pulls my legs over his as I wrap my arms around his neck. I feel his hand wipe across my face to remove my tears that managed to get out. I open my mouth to talk but Harry just shushes me as he holds me in my arms "you don't have to say anything, I get it, I love you, and I'm not going to leave you" he says as he continues to hold me, I feel his fingertips slide up and down my back as I slowly drift into sleep.

...

"Yea she was fine, we loved babysitting her" I hear Harry say. I slightly open my eyes to see Harry and Lou standing by the doorway of the hotel, a sleeping Lux in Lou's hand. She must have just come to pick her up. I hear them say goodbye as Harry closes the door. I begin to sit up and look at the time, it was still 9p.m. which means I must have only slept about 20 minutes. I see Harry smile faintly towards me "Hey, sorry if that woke you" he says before walking over and sitting beside me. I shake my head.

"It's fine, it's only 9p.m., I don't really want to be asleep" I admit. "I'm sorry for getting all defensive and upset" I say and I see Harry open his mouth. "Stop apologizing" we both say at the same time and Harry chuckles. "I do think we should talk about it though" I say since I genuinely want Harry to know where I'm coming from when I said what I did and he nods his head. "I just want to say that even though I really love being with you, being in a relationship is really hard for me. I mean I've never really been in one before and I never really thought I ever would be. I gave up on boys in like the tenth grade when I realized I wasn't the type of girl guys had crushes on or cared about and so I just told myself I didn't want to be in a relationship and I eventually believed it. You made me realize that I'm worth it, and that I do want to be in a relationship, but I don't still know about a lot of stuff. Like I didn't know how to act when meeting your family or friends and it's made me feel really bad because I'm afraid I'll screw something up and I don't want to. I want you to be happy and I don't want to be a screw up. I want you to be proud of me but I still have these contradicting beliefs instilled in my head that I can't get rid of. I still think marriage is a terrible idea and so is having kids, but I want to be with you and I want to be able to do things that every other couple would do but my head keeps trying to stop me when in my heart I know I should want this." I rant, I don't even know what I'm going to say until I say it. I didn't realize how true half the stuff I just said was until after I had said it out loud and once I did I think I finally realized why I've felt so weird about everything.

"Ari I want to help you but you have to let me in. You've never told me any of this before and I want to know what you're thinking, good and bad. I get that you're scared after what you've been through but I don't know everything. Why don't you believe marriage can work?" he asks interested.

"I don't know, I just don't think you can be in love with someone forever. I mean eventually those feelings will die down and when they do people end up feeling miserable and depressed and feel like they've married the wrong person but in reality no one is suppose to love someone as passionately as they once did for the rest of their life. I'm afraid who I end up with may not realize that and will end up changing, like my dad, they won't care about me so they will end up hurting me. I think marriage can work only if you marry someone not because you love them, but because you care about them and respect them and acknowledge that the feelings you feel so passionately about at that point will fade" I admit, and surprisingly I feel a huge weight taken off my shoulders.

"Well I accept that. You don't have to keep your opinions bottled up Ari, I want to hear them, I want to know what you're thinking, and not just about some dumb show we're watching on TV, but about life and people and marriage and love. You don't have to feel guilty about anything around me, I get where you're coming from and I want you to know that I will never hurt you. No matter what my feelings towards you are, I will never hurt you." He repeats and I smile, I could never imagine having such a positive reaction to what I believe, I can't believe Harry still loves me after all the crap I just admitted about how I don't really believe in true love. I wrap my arms around him and he pulls me in closer to him to give me a kiss.

"Thanks for staying with me, I love you Harry" I admit and he smiles before kissing me once again.