Black Butler: The Phantomhive Secret

Chapter eighteen

  I roamed the house searching. I decided hanging myself was probably the best option. It seemed quick and mostly painless. I was a bit worried that it might take too long because I was fairly light weight, but I knew this was the only foreseeable way I could fulfill my job.
  I searched the kitchen: in the drawers and cupboards. I kept an eye out for any knives that would help me, but there was nothing. Out of the corner of my eye, hanging from a small hook, there was a skein of twine most likely for tying pork or something. I grabbed it and hid it under my jacket as well as I could.
  I walked through the manor and thought about the previous night's discussion. I knew there was so much truth in everything I had said. I didn't want to live. I didn't have a future. There was no point in my staying on this earth. I made my way to the balcony checking around me carefully but also in a way that wouldn't create suspicion. When I got to the balcony I tested the railing posts for strength because I didn't want to fail this attempt. I felt it had passed the test so I began tying the noose. When it was finished and was able to slide properly, I secured it to one of the posts or the railing. I climbed to the other side of the bars separating me from safety and danger, and I hooked my feet between the bars to avoid falling-how ironic. I slowly lowered myself with my arms so I was hanging on the edge of the balcony. I inched over to where I had attached the noose. When I was there I situated my head into its designated position inside the noose.
  I let go of the balcony with my right hand. I looked up at my expansive ceiling and reconsidered what I was doing. I thought of Alois and how I'd never be able to thank him. He'd never know that I loved him.
  I released the balcony with my left hand and felt the rope draw tight around my neck. I dangled and struggled for breath. I wanted to die, but it seemed like I was only desperately trying to convince myself of that fact. I became dizzy rather quickly and began to fade in and out of consciousness.

Sebastian's Point of View
Milord was in pain. I was doing my daily cleaning of the manor when I felt it. The immediate danger. I followed my instinct to where I knew Ciel would be.
  He was between the balcony and the first room you are in when you enter the manor: hanging from the balcony. His body was limp, but I still sensed his life energy.
  I swiftly jumped up to the balcony and detached the rope from the bars of the balcony railing. Ciel began to fall, but I was beneath him well before he hit the ground.
He landed in my lap in a heap, I loosened the rope and lifted it over his head. He was between consciousness and unconsciousness, and I saw his eyes struggle to open. When he finally opened his eyes he looked up at me and seemed to register what the situation was. He didn't die, and he was laying in my lap.
Ciel began to cry. His tears began to fall rapidly, and he began sobbing. They were loud, heart-wrenching sobs. I wished with everything within me to be able to console my master, but I didn't know what to do. He rolled over to face my body, wrapped his arms tightly around my waist, and sobbed into me. I stroked his soft hair as he let all his emotions out.
  He didn't cease crying until well over an hour. He pulled away from me and pulled his knees up to his chest, whimpering softly.
  I patted him on the back and go up to use the telephone. I called Alois: the only person I could think of that would help in this situation.

Ciel's Point of View
Sebastian patted my back and left. I fell over on my side with my knees still hugged to my chest and stared out at nothing. I was alive. I failed, as usual. I reached up to my neck, and my skin was sore and slightly raw from the twine.
I looked in front of me and saw the string laying in the floor in a heap. It would so easy to just retie it to the balcony and hang myself while Sebastian was busy with whatever. I wanted to do it. That was my chance, but for some reason I couldn't move myself to stand or even reach toward the rope.
I noticed Sebastian's feet in front of me as I continued staring at the twine. He bent down and picked up the rope, and I looked up at him in desperation. He was taking my last bit of salvation. A small smile appeared on his face. One of understanding, pity, and it said 'You don't need this,' with warmth and kindness. He walked away, rope in hand, and I stared at the spot it lay just moments ago.
I heard a knock at the door, but it seemed distant. Like it was miles away even though the door was only forty feet away. I kept my gaze on the floor and ignored whoever was waiting behind the door.

Alois' Point of View
  There was a ring at the telephone, but neither Claude or I answered. The phone continued ringing which was odd, typically the person would just hang up. I moved to the telephone and answered.
  "Hello?" I asked in a bored tone.
  "Sir Trancy? This is Sebastian."
  "Hello Sebastian," I said flirtatiously, no longer uninterested.
  "Is Claude nearby?"
  "He isn't, but I can call for him if you'd like."
  "No that won be necessary; I called to talk to you, it's rather serious."
  Sebastian told me that Ciel tried to hang himself. He continued speaking after that, but I didn't hear anything. I was completely at a loss. What had happened? Why did he decide to do this now after everything he's done to get better? Was he okay? Would he do it again? Is he trying to hang himself while we're talking on the phone?
I began to imagine he had succeeded: the void in my life that would be permanently empty. Living with the fact that I never let Ciel know I loved him and the regret that I always treated him terribly. A few hot, wet tears fell from my eyes.
"Is there anyway you could get over here alone?" I heard Sebastian ask.
"Oh," I said in a daze as I returned to the conversation, "Yes, definitely. I'll be right over."
"Please, don't let Claude get word of this."
"Certainly not."

Ciel's Point of View
The door opened slowly.
"Hello?" A small timid voice called out. The voice of a certain blonde boy whom I didn't want to talk to at the moment. I didn't want him to see me like that.
  He closed the door behind him as silently as possible. Then he looked down at me from across the room. His face seemed to soften a bit in a sad but also sympathetic way.
  "Hey Ciel," he said softly as he began in my direction.
  I didn't answer. I had no words. I was empty. I should have even dead an hour ago, instead I was lying on the floor feeling dead.
  He sat next to me with his legs crossed, "What's up?"
  I shrugged as best as I could given the position I was in.
"I know you're probably angry that I'm here or even angry that you're still here."
I didn't say anything, but I did look up at Alois. Making and holding eye contact.
"But I'm not. Im happy your alive."
I sat up at this.
"I was worried. I was afraid that I wouldn't get to talk to you again, or hear your voice again, or see you."
I opened my mouth to speak, but I was too drained to even think of let alone say words.
"I was worried because...because I love you Ciel, and I don't just think I love you or love you because of Sebastian, I honestly love you. And I-"
I cut him off by kissing him. I don't know why I did it. I don't know what inside me told me to do it, but on some impulse I built up the courage and physical strength to press my lips against the boy's who was my last regret as I lowered myself into that noise only an hour ago. The regret of not telling him how I felt would have haunted me in the eternal afterlife. It was the reason I survived. He was the reason.
His lips were soft, but he seemed taken aback when I kissed him. He soon leaned into the his, and I wrapped my arms around his waist. I hugged him as tightly as I could, as I my life depended on me not letting go, because it did.

A/N-I know it's been a month, and I'm so sorry. I wanted this to be as good as I could possibly make it. I still don't know how I feel about it, but I think it is the best I can give you for the time being. Thank you so much for reading this and being patient with me.