Black Butler: The Phantomhive Secret

Chapter fourteen

  The door of my manor opened loudly. Sebastian greeted me as though everything were normal. He began to escort me toward my office as e normally would, but I stopped him.
  "Milord, is there a problem?"
  "No. Yes? I don't know..."
  He waited patiently.
  "Sebastian I..." Everything I had planned fled my mind the instant I opened my mouth. "I want to talk to you."
  What I said didn't make sense at all, but he didn't question me.
  "I mean... I want to tell you stuff...how I'm feeling and stuff, but I... I don't know what I want to say or how to say it. I guess I'm just saying that... That I'm not trying to push you away, I just don't know how to show you."
  His face relaxed into a small smile, "Thank you sir, I will try to help you as much as I am able."
  "And Sebastian?"
  "Yes milord?"
  "I don't want them anymore," I was referring vaguely to many things: my blades, the scars I've made, the thoughts I have.
"Then let's get rid of them."
I wasn't sure if he knew exactly what I wanted to get rid of; he was simply being compliant.
I began to walk toward my bedroom and Sebastian followed. When I got there he stood at the door and I began locating every tool I used to harm myself. I went under my bed, in every drawer, in secret compartments, everywhere in the small space. I made a small pile on my bureau, and after every last one was out of hiding I looked at them all.
"That's every one, honestly."
Sebastian counted them and scooped them into his hands. I followed him as he left my room.
He led me into a closet with a safe in it. He spun the dial right, left, and right again onto the proper numbers to make a clicking sound as the door opened. He placed the blades in the safe and closed it. I looked at the safe uneasily, and I cocked my head in question.
"Just in case," he said cryptically.
In case what? I wanted to cut again? Why on earth would he allow that?
  "Can we talk?"
  "Of course, sir."
  We went to the dining room and Sebastian served some freshly brewed tea.
  "I don't think it's smart to keep them," the blades.
  "Perhaps, but I cannot predict your actions so you might decide otherwise in only a few hours or days."
  "That's the problem. I know they're there so I could get to them if I were really desperate."
  "By the time you guess the combination I would have already found you. Let's just keep them for a week to see what happens and then we can decide if disposing of them would be beneficial."
  I nodded, "I feel good right now," I said to turn over the conversation, "Like I want to recover or I'm ready, but whenever I feel like this it goes away quickly. I feel like I'm on some sort of high or adrenaline rush."
"That is a good feeling to have. It's something to work with. When you begin to feel down again let me know if you're comfortable."
"I will."
"Now, my lord, is there anything else you wish to speak about."
"There certainly is, but I haven't an idea where to start."
"Take your time sir."
"Well I was really just nervous about you. You were acting angry but I could tell it's simply because I've worried you lately, and that's why I left earlier. I went to talk to Alois. I asked him for help and he said talking to you was what I needed."
"Hm," he mumbled in agreement.
"And I haven't been well lately, and I can't stop thinking. I don't like the thoughts Sebastian. I don't like them," I crossed my arms, laid them on the table, and buried my head in my arms. "I'm scared," I whimpered and I couldn't tell if Sebastian heard me.

Sebastian's point of view
Ciel buried his head in his arms and whimpered a weak, "I'm scared."
I wanted to ask what the thoughts were. If Ciel was afraid, then they had to be rather dark. How could I ask him without seeming like a therapist?
"Ciel?" I paused trying to formulate my words before asking uneasily, "What have you been thinking?"
"I've been thinking... About killing myself," his voice cracked, and I knew he had begun crying.
My eyes widened and my spine prickled. This information wasn't overwhelmingly surprising, but hearing him say it made the gravity of the situation real.
"And I don't know how much longer I'll be able to refrain from doing it," he began sobbing, and his body shook, "Help me Sebastian, because I can't help myself."
"Alright, we'll past this. Everything will be alright Ciel. Do you want me to get rid of them?"
He nodded against his arms.
I stood up, and Ciel looked up at me, eyes red and puffy. I beckoned him to come with me and he also stood up. We moved toward the washroom adjacent to his room. When we got there I opened the cabinets to find various medicines, bandages, soaps, and other typical bathroom accessories.
I took out all the medications, and gestured toward them, "Do you want to keep these?"
"No," he whispered and a few fresh tears slid down his face.
"Do you want me to take anything else out?"
He shook his head slightly.
I opened the lid of the toilet and emptied the contents of all of the bottles into it before flushing. I moved to leave the room, but Ciel's eyes were glued on the toilet.
"Ciel...?"
"That was my last chance," he whispered, "They're gone." He hung his head and covered his face with his hands. His shoulders shook as he sobbed, and I stood between him and the toilet. I pulled against me, and he leaned limply against me as he shook. I shushed him to attempt to soothe him, and his sobbing seized after a few moments.
When his tears finished falling we went through the manor and removed anything that would be a danger to Ciel.
We went to the safe, and I opened it. I picked them all up, but slipped one into my front coat pocket. I brought the silver shards into the bathroom connected to the dining room. I dropped them all in the toilet, looked over at Ciel for permission, he nodded, and the blades fluttered down the pipes. He sighed shakily and there was a faint smile appeared on his face.
I had no idea the troubles we would have to deal with in the near future, but seeing a smile-even the slightest one-was a beacon of hope for what was to come.

A/N- I have a pretty good idea of the direction I'm going in for the next few chapters. Thank you all so much for over 300 reads that honestly means so much to me.