Black Butler: The Phantomhive Secret

Chapter seventeen

I woke up to a feeling. An idea. Trepidation. I just knew deep down that day wasn't going to go as well as the day before had, and I only hoped it wouldn't be nearly as bad as the day prior to that.
I say up in bed and rolled up my sleeves. I looked over the scars I had made in my forearms, a minuscule amount compared to the total damage done. I traced the lines in my skin, each mark a ridge all of varying heights and widths.
I rolled down my sleeves and tried to ignore the negativity seeping into my body.
I left my room and headed to the dining room where I knew I'd find Sebastian dishing out breakfast.
"Good morning, young master," he greeted.
"Hello Sebastian."
"And how are you this morning?"
"At the moment I'm fine, but I have a feeling that won't last. I can feel myself falling," and with that I sat down and began eating whatever was on my plate-I didn't really even care to notice-and Sebastian did not ask any questions.
We sat in silence as I finished my meal.
As I got up from the table Sebastian said, "Oh, sir? Elizabeth said she'd like to visit. I may have slipped to her that you were unwell earlier in the week. She said she'd like to check up on you. She doesn't know in what way you aren't well so you could fabricate something."
"Or I could just not see her."
"You know very well that is not an option dear lord."
"Yeah, I know," I sighed. I could feel myself slowly slipping.
Elizabeth arrived only a few minutes later which meant Sebastian had already made plans before telling me.
"Ciel!" She cried as she tackled me with a hug, "Are you alright my love? Are you better?"
No I'm not better. No I'm not alright. "I'm fine Lizzy, it was just a slight fever."
"No! My poor Ciel was sick and I couldn't help him!"
"I wasn't that sick. I didn't even need medication."
"I'm just sad that my Ciel didn't come to me for help!" She pouted.
"That's what a butler is for, besides I didn't want you to get sick too," this was going to be a long day.

A day with Elizabeth always left me exhausted. It was hard always explaining things because she never seemed to grasp anything-even the simplest of concepts. It was hard to pretend everything was fine; like I wasn't depressed and could barely hold my life together. If she knew how I really was she'd probably freak out.
First she spent over and hour fussing over me being sick and not telling her. She just has to know what was wrong even when I "told" her. I wanted to scream that everything was fine. I just wanted to scream at her.
Then she decided we should dress up together which landed me in a dress and pigtails.
I wanted the dress with long sleeves, but she wanted me in the purple sleeveless dress which requires some persuading. When I asked to change my clothing in a separate room she began asking questions, not as though she was suspicious of my habits as of late, but as though it hurt her for me to not change in front of her; as though it was against what our relationship entails.
When I finally coaxed her into letting me get dressed in privacy I spent the rest of the day in an uncomfortable puffy dress drinking tea from miniature cups with too much sugar, even for my preference.
The problem for our "relationship," or whatever, was that she was too immature for me, or, rather, I was too mature for our age, and she was probably at about the right maturity.
We were such different people with very different backgrounds. I had my soul on reservation with a demon butler while she had human servants. I fought criminals for the queen, and she did very little practical tasks. I knew of pain and true emotions, and she lived in a fairy tail world. There was simply too much of a rift between us for anything to truly happen. Besides, I had my eyes on someone else.
The day was tiring, but at last it came to an end and Lizzy left. I was exhausted physically and mentally. I knew usually I would cut now, but I knew that wouldn't help me and it would hurt Sebastian more than I already have. I went in search of something to distract me.
I bumped into Sebastian who I hadn't seen since I changed into the horrid dress that I noticed I was still wearing. He looked at my attire in amusement.
"Can I help you sir?"
"Just looking for something to do."
He looked confused as I usually wasn't one to really do things, but that was simply because I didn't have a reason to. I didn't then either really, but I couldn't not do anything and stay safe.
"I need something to do," I said hoping emphasis on need would get my point across.
He seemed to understand, "Well I'm going through the library books and reorganizing if that appeals."
I nodded with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.
  I began going though the books. I was surprised to see how many there were, and they were all mine. I didn't real much, but I thought I should start.
  "So Ciel, how was the day with Elizabeth?"
  I sighed audibly, "it was terribly exhausting. Dealing with her, answering her question, lying, it was all hard."
  He nodded in understanding.
  "And it would have been so easy to just tell her the truth, but she wouldn't truly understand and would probably only fuss about me more."
  "Young lord, if you two are going to stay together for an extended period of time then you'll have to tell her what's been going in eventually."
  "I know," that made me think about the future, but not about Elizabeth. I wasn't planning on having a future as I had always planned to kill myself well before adulthood. What would I do with a future? Probably make it miserable for everyone around me.
  "Sebastian I don't want a future with her."
  "It doesn't have to be her if that's what you decide."
  "No," I paused before spilling the truth, "I don't think I want a future. At all."
  "Why is that milord?" Sebastian, who was sitting amidst a pile of books, paused and looked up at me.
  "I don't see a reason to stay here, on earth I mean. I just don't have a purpose really, and I don't want to carry out some lackluster life forever, but there isn't anything I'm motivated enough to do to actually be able to enjoy life. I don't even know if there's anything I enjoy anymore."
  "Okay, that's okay. We'll find something, I promise we'll find you something."
  I wasn't so sure.

A/N- I'm sorry. I tried making the chapter longer but I just had to cut it off to keep my ideas separate. I'm wrapping the story up so only a chapter or two to go.