Black Butler: The Phantomhive Secret

Chapter sixteen

  I awoke so silence. No violin. No destructive thoughts. I felt peaceful for a few moments. Everything was free from my mind. I searched for Sebastian and found him watching Mey-Rin, Bardroy, and Finny with an amused smirk on his face. They were chaotically attempting to prepare what could be assumed to be breakfast. They didn't seem to even acknowledge Sebastian.
  I stood at the kitchen doorway with him and silently peered in on them. Watching them was easy. It had no emotional weight and I felt a vague sense of happiness 
  After we watched for a few moments Sebastian cleared his throat. The three stood at attention.
  "Is this how we prepare a meal at the Phantomhive estate?"
  "Yes sir!" They said proudly before realizing their mistakes, "No- No sir!"
  Sebastian smiled again and left the kitchen. I followed.
  "Did you rest well milord?"
  "Yes I did."
  "How are you feeling?"
  "I'm doing quite well actually, a good rest allowed my thoughts to quiet."
  Sebastian turned his head slightly so he faced me sideways and smiled in satisfaction.
  "What will we be doing today?" I asked.
  "The Queen contacted us finally. There have been a few suspicious sightings. We don have a job, but we have to be available if something turns up."
  "When aren't we available?" I mumbled in irritation. It didn't seem like Sebastian heard the comment.

  The day was plain, but it was nice. I didn't have to worry about anything, and I was able to relax a bit.
  When night came it was a little bit harder to stay positive. I had to deal with seeing the scars on my body when I took a bath, and it was worse because Sebastian had taken to bathing me ever since he found me sliced up in the bathtub and stitched the wounds for me. I had been completely against the idea at first, but got used to it. Now that I was actually talking to Sebastian and possibly even recovering, it was harder to bare myself in front of him. Seeing the scars alone was hard enough, but dealing with the guilt and shame that came with someone else seeing them was horrible. I hung my head and focused on the bubbles forming on the surface of the water as Sebastian scrubbed away the day's worries. I could tell he wasn't trying to draw attention to the scars, but I could also catch him looking at them whenever I dared to look up at him.
  I sat in the bath and let him wash me. I imagined him taking the scars, and pain, and self hate away. I imagined being pure after my body was clean; as if physical purification was equivalent to spiritual purification.
  My skin itched. Not in irritation but in desperation. It was asking me to slice it open. My skin crawled as it begged me. If I could only kiss the smooth soft flesh against the tip of a razor once more. If I could trust myself to only one more cut, but I knew I would want another and another. If only...
  "Ciel?" Sebastian broke me from my thoughts.
  I looked up at him and smiled weakly.
  He looked at me in a silent question. So many words in that glance. 'Are you alright? What were you thinking? Are you sure? Please don't lie.'
  I nodded, but he seemed unsure as to whether or not he should let it go.
  I hopped out of the bath, and Sebastian gingerly dressed me in my night clothes. We made our way to my room, and I sat down on my bed. I looked up at Sebastian.
  "I was thinking about cutting myself. Just now in the bath. I was thinking about cutting just once more, but I know once more would always be my excuse and I would never stop. Don't let me cut. Please don't. Even if I beg you. I don't want to cut." I was silent for a long moment, and Sebastian said nothing, "Actually no. I don't want to cut right now. I am thinking logically and I know it would be unwise. At any moment my current state of mind might change and all hell would break loose inside my mind. I don't know. I just can't predict myself."
  He smiled in understanding, and I laid down to fall asleep. I slipped into unconsciousness without much difficulty.

A/N- I know it's a bit short but I wanted to update really bad. I had an idea for what to do next, but now I'm not quite sure. I guess we'll figure out together. A few questions: 1) What length do you like the chapters to be?
2) Do you think I should continue on the path to Ciel's recovery or make it a sad ending? (Personally when I'm reading I like it to be heart-wrenchingly sad, but I am not the reader now)