Black Butler: The Phantomhive Secret

Chapter fifteen

Ciel's point of view
It had been just a few hours since we got rid of everything. I was playing chess with myself to avoid breaking down. The thoughts in my head buzzed. Not having the security of being able to cut or harm myself if I needed it was detrimental to my already terrible mental state. I concentrated on the pieces; white pawn forward one, black king left one, white queen takes out black knight. Sebastian stood behind me, watching. I felt myself shaking in panic, and was worried Sebastian could tell. I was sweating and I was worried he could tell. I bit my lip to fight back tears, but they crept closer to the edge of my eyelid. I help them open and looked at the sunlight in the window through the corner of my eye-I didn't want to move my head and allow Sebastian see the tears in my eyes, I had already cried enough. I tried to blink them away but a tear escaped. I lifted my right hand to my eye and wiped it away as casually as possible, and I worried that Sebastian would notice. I reached toward the black bishop, my hand trembling noticeably, and Sebastian put his hand on my left shoulder, and I froze just above the piece.
"Milord," he said steadily.
I pulled my hand back and slouched in the chair. I took a shaky breath and whined a pathetic, "Sebastian," as a few hot tears fell down my face.
He crouched down to my level in a silent request for my to talk to him.
I briefly made eye contact with him before gluing my eyes on the chessboard.
"I can't handle not having them. It's like I'm trapped in a cave with only one exit ,and a landslide closed off the exit with rock and earth. I'm anxious and can't stop trying to think of a back up plan out," of life.
His eyes were filled with sympathy and regret, "Should I trust you if I purchased a small bottle of painkillers from the market?"
"No," I whispered and shook my head.
"Then how else can I help you milord. You can't get better if you're stuck in a panic from not having dangerous objects, but you can't e trusted with said objects."
"I don't know what else to do," I whispered helplessly as tears began to flow more quickly down my face.
"That's okay," he said reassuringly.
I put my elbow on the chessboard and rested my head on my hand as I cried in defeat.
"I'm not okay," I said, barely audible.

Later that night I laid awake in bed, staring at the ceiling, tears falling on and off. I thought of every possible option I had to take my life just to provide some security: stabbing myself with the knives in the kitchen that were no longer there; going to town to buy some medication, but Sebastian would come with me and know what the purpose of the pills were; drowning myself in the bath or sink was the most plausible option, but Sebastian would be hyper aware of everything I did.
I thought for hours on end, and and idea came into my mind: hanging myself. I could easily find a rope or ask one of the other servants for one-they wouldn't think twice before giving it to me.
I decided I should get the rope now just to have a backup plan and ease my worries slightly. I moved my sheets off of me slowly so as not to make a sound and eased out of bed. I crept to the door to my bedroom, turned the knob slowly, and opened the door gradually to keep it silent. When the door was about halfway opened I saw Sebastian looking at me expectantly. It was as if he had been standing there all night.
"Do you need something, Ciel?"
I struggled to find an excuse. I didn't want to lie anymore to him, but I also didn't want to tell Sebastian what I was doing. I simply stayed silent. If he knew I had a rope, he would expect me to hang myself and be prepared for it, but if he didn't I would be able to successfully kill myself without interruption if I needed.
My eyes stung an I knew I would cry again.
"Um...I-I..." The tears fell from my eyes and I stepped over to Sebastian and leaned against him. He wrapped his arms around me lightly, and I sniveled into his suit jacket.
"Can't sleep?" He asked kindly.
I shook my head against him.
"Would you like some chamomile tea?"
I pulled away from him and nodded as I wiped my eyes.
  We walked to the dining room. Sebastian brought the tea to the table, and he poured some into a cup for me.
  "This is unbearable."
"Can I help in anyway, sir?"
"I can't stop thinking. I need to stop thinking. Tell me how I can stop thinking."
He opened his mouth as if to speak but closed it.
I knew I couldn't ask for what I needed. Just let me die. Please please I can't live like this. It hasn't been a full day without everything, but everything inside me is erupting. All that I felt little by little was all coming out at once.
"I can't live with them. I can't live without them. I don't know what to do," I was helpless.
"What do you want to do?"
I hesitated, debated lying, "I just want to sleep..."
"Then sleep," he stated simply.
"...And not wake up."
"Let's go to bed young master, and let's be here in the morning," he stood and began walking toward my room so I followed.
I crawled miserably into bed, and Sebastian pulled my sheets up to my chin. He switched off the light, and the room was shrouded in a darkness not even the moon could penetrate.
There were a few moments of silence before I heard a violin playing beautiful soft music. I let the music fill my mind rather than the evil thoughts that had filled me previously, and soon the world faded away into blissful sleep.

A/N- Woohoo! Three consecutive days of writing it's a record. Thank you all soo much for everything