Black Butler: The Phantomhive Secret

Chapter thirteen

Ciel's Point of View
"I want to talk to you," I told the blond without really knowing the commitment that came with that statement. I didn't want to talk about myself to anyone; I had already said too much.
I supposed Alois was my best option right now, but I could tell he only told me I'm not a burden to make me feel better. I know he doesn't want to hear about or deal with my problems. If I know all that, then why am I sitting back down on the grass preparing to tell Alois everything?
"Will you tell me something about you first?" I asked to test my boundaries: what I could say, what would make him think I'm crazy, what we could relate on.
"Um, yea," he paused and looked thoughtful for a short moment, "Well I might as well get the big secret out of the way," he paused.
I cocked my head in curiosity.
"I tried I kill myself."
My eyes widened in surprise, I had no idea Alois was like that...like me.
"Four times."
I was even more surprised at that.
"The last time was bad. Really bad. Of course I wanted to die, but then Claude came to me. I didn't want to accept his offer-I just wanted to be left for dead-but he insisted. I know you think Claude is an asshole, but he's saved me numerous times. He kept me from attempting suicide again, but even now I'm still suicidal. I still want to die."
"I had no idea..."
"People usually don't. No one knew what you'd been doing for a long time, and, even now, none of us know how you feel."
"I'm not feeling."
"Huh?"
"You want to know how I'm feeling, but I'm not. I don't feel anything at all. What's there to say when there's nothing?"
"Just because you feel nothing doesn't mean that's nothing. Knowing that you feel this way-or, rather, don't feel-still helps."
"But how? You know what I'm feeling so now what? Will you evaluate me like some freak? Tell me everything I don't know about myself? What is there to gain from such useless information?"
"It just helps to know where you're coming from. When I was at my worst talking about how I felt just helped. I could know how I was feeling, and it would make it more real; more mundane, conquerable."
"Yea, well I'm different. I know how I feel. I knew it before telling you, and now that I've said it I don't feel any different. I'm wasting our time."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Yes. I'm fine being here with you, but talking about this is a waste. I'd be better off going back to the manor and taking a nap than sitting here."
"Well if that's a better use of your time, why haven't you done it yet?"
"Because."
"Because why?"
I looked around to avoid catching Alois' eye. I didn't want to go back because Sebastian was angry, and it was my fault. I had cut again-no different than any other day-but this time was different. Every time I cut Sebastian just wore a sad expression, but that expression began to grow colder as time went on. He carried the sadness, but he covered it with biting anger. It was what I deserved. That day after I cut, Sebastian was mad. He hadn't yelled, but he didn't need to. He didn't care for the would like normal. It's not like I liked him bandaging me everyday, but I knew him not tending to my wounds was a very bad sign.
  "I don't want to go back right now."
  "Why?"
  "Sebastian is mad," I paused and planned my next words, "Not mad; hurt, disappointed, desperate, but he's been acting irritated and angry. It's actually a bit frightening. He was just so mad today that I didn't want to feel guilty for it any more, so I left. I can't face him. I don't want to."
"You have to."
"I know. I just can't escape the guilt I feel when I'm around him. I've messed everything up and there's no way I could fix anything."
"There is one way and you know what it is."
"What? Talking to him? What would that solve? What would I even say?"
"All he wants is for you to talk to him. That's it. Just say something, anything. Tell him you want to talk but don't know what to say, and leave it at that. Something simple that lets him know you aren't shutting him out is all you need to say."
"I know, but I am afraid to face him. I'm especially afraid to talk about something so sensitive."
"You just have to get it over with, and everything afterwards will be a lot easier."
"O-okay..." I know he was right even though I didn't want to admit it. I also knew this would be one of the hardest things I'd ever have to do. "I'm going to head out now."
"Stay safe, Ciel. Let me know if you need anything."
I nodded before walking off the property.
I wandered the streets of London for a while after leaving thinking of just what I would say, preparing for anything Sebastian might say or ask. I was worried, but I also felt a great sense of hope.

A/N- I wouldn't blame you for hating me. I've been so inactive, but the break was great for me. It got my juices going and the next chapter should be up tonight or tomorrow (key word-should)
Thank you all so so much