Black Butler: The Phantomhive Secret

Chapter twelve

Alois' Point of View
One month later
It was early afternoon, and there was a knock at the door. I opened it and was surprised to find Ciel. He looked broken, worse than usual.
His face was stained from tears and he looked up at me and begged, "Please, help me," he whimpered.
I was relieved and honored for him to come to me for help like this, "Of course," I said warmly. I led him out and into the gardens around the estate.
We walked silently as I waited for Ciel to speak, but got nothing. I led him to a circle of large trees, and we sat on the grass inside the ring.
Ciel hugged his knees to his chest and pulled at the grass. He kept his gaze firmly on the ground, "I don't know why I decided to come here," he admitted.
"How did you get here. I didn't see a carriage."
"I walked."
I was shocked to hear that the Phantomhive heir had done something so mundane as walking for transportation.
  "Okay, well then let's talk."
  "I don't know where to start..."
  "Alright, how about I ask you some questions?"
  The dark haired boy nodded.
  "When did you last cut?"
  "Before I came here," he said it uninterestedly.
  "Why did you cut?"
  "I don't know. Sebastian was angry because I've been so distant. It made me feel bad for him, but it also made me feel even less than I have been. Whenever I get emotionally reactive with anger or sadness it plunges me deeper into bleakness and depression after. I've been so numb lately I don't even know what to do."
  "Are you ready to stop cutting?"
  "Ready:maybe. Want to: no. Need to: yes."
  "How many blades do you have?"
  "Thirty two."
  "Can I have them?"
  He looked uneasily at me, "N-no."
  "Why?"
  "Because I need them, I need to feel again."
  "Hurting yourself is only a temporary fix to this issue."
  "I know, but it's so...easy, and I love doing it."
  "What if I took thirty of them?"
  "I guess that would be okay..." He said with reluctance.
"Are you sure?"
"...No..." He admitted.
"What if I took just one?"
"That would be better," he was clearly more open to this option.
"Okay. Would you mind me checking your fresh wounds to make sure they're clean?"
"No."
"Why?"
"The cuts never get infected, and, even if one did, I probably wouldn't care."
"Okay," I needed to say something else.
"Can I go now?" Ciel asked suddenly.
"Do you want help?"
"No, I don't think so. Coming here was stupid. Sorry," he stood abruptly and began to leave in the direction we came.
I reached out to stop him and grabbed him by the wrist. I saw him wince, jerk his arm away, and turn toward me. I expected him to have a look of rage on his face, but there was nothing there at all.
"Why did you come here if you just wanted to leave?"
He shrugged, "I thought it would help; be a good idea, but, sitting there I realized, it's not. Nothing will. I have to go."
He turned to leave again, and I grabbed his wrist again. He jerked away, but I didn't release him from my grasp.
With his back turned to me, Ciel whispered, "Let me go."
"No Ciel, I don't trust you to be safe if you leave. You're not in a good place right now."
He turned around, and his neutral face was beginning to show hints of anger, "I'm not in a good place ever. No matter what I do or say or try I always end up worse and worse and there's nothing anything can do about it," his voice was rising as he spoke, "I thought coming here would change that in any way, but I know this was a desperate attempt at being 'okay' again. I now know that any sense of security is false: in this life or the people around you. I'm sorry to have wasted your time, and now I need to go," he pulled his arm to try and release it from my hand, but I only gripped him tighter.
"No, you can't go. I won't let you."
The blank look returned to his face, "Fine, I'll stay. You can watch me and assess me or 'save' me, but I'll leave sometime. "
His carelessness enraged me, "Is this just what you do, Ciel? The moment are emotionally stimulated or feel attacked you just shut down? You think pushing people away will help them while you destruct rapidly? I'm not sure if you can tell, but the people around you are beating themselves up because they can only watch you destroy yourself. You seem to think that keeping your pain from others keeps them from having to feel your pain, but locking your pain inside of yourself only makes everyone feel worse. Dammit Ciel, can't you see we care? Can't you see that we want to help you? Don't you believe we are strong enough to help you?"
He looked at me in surprise and trepidation, "Um...I'm s-sorry. I just...I'm embarrassed. I don't want to share my feelings because I'm embarrassed."
"Don't be."
"I thought I would be okay if I hid how I felt. I thought staying silent would keep the burden of me off of you guys, and I wouldn't have to deal with the stress and shame of saying everything I felt out loud, but I can see I couldn't have been more wrong. I'm sorry."
"Don't be Ciel. Don't apologize. Please, just fix what has happened. Talk to me or Sebastian or Elizabeth or some random person. Please pick someone and talk to them."
"I want to talk to you."