When I woke up, my mom was already gone at work, so I quickly got dressed and headed over to Riley's house.
I walked up the fire escape to her room and her window was closed.
Weird.
I opened her window and climbed into her room.
"Oh uh, am I- Do I need t-... I'll just go." I couldn't find the words to say. Lucas and Riley were siting in her room. They could've been just talking to eachother, but it could've been a date. I don't know!
"No Maya wait! You can stay, you should stay! We were just working on our English project."
"But.. I'm in the group too."
Why wouldn't they tell me they were working on the English project? That kind of hurts...
"C'mon, Maya, let's all work together."
"O-okay." I sat down next to Riley on her bed and tried to work on my part of the project.
"Maya?"
"What!"
"Whoa, chill out. Anyway, you've been sitting there for fifteen minutes all zoned out and you haven't written anything down."
"Where's Riley?" I asked scooting away from Lucas. He's supposed to be Riley's first love. Riley's first boyfriend.
"She's helping her mom unload the groceries. She said she'll be back soon. Are you having trouble understanding the project, Maya?" Lucas asked sincerely.
"What?" I laughed. "No, why would I?"
"Maya, you haven't written a single thing since you got here. What's up?"
"What's it to ya, Huckleberry?" I closed my notebook and got up off of Riley's bed and looked out her window.
"What's it to me? It's my grade too, Maya." He laughed and kept his spot on the bed.
Is that what he's worried about? His grade?
I turned around and slowly walked toward Lucas.
"You're worried about your grade? Well I'm not. So tell our teacher I didn't do my part in the project and tell her that it's not neither your fault or Riley's. I'll get a zero and you two will get an A."
"So, you're okay with just getting a zero?" Lucas stood up and walked over to me. He tried to put his hand on my shoulder but I pushed away from him and walked to the other side of Riley's room.
"Yes, it doesn't bother me. Have you not gotten it by now? I don't care. You've been here for what? A year? A full year? Can't you tell I really don't care? Why would I? What's there to care about?" I was panting by the end of my outburst and felt tears stinging my eyes.
I turned away from Lucas and took deep breaths in order to keep myself from crying.
I really did care, I just didn't understand it... I couldn't figure out how to make myself understand what I didn't understand.
"Maya, if you need help you know Riley, Farkle or even I would help you! I don't see how you can be so smart yet so clueless at the same time." He places his hands on his hips as I turned around and looked him dead in the eyes.
"Clueless? You think I'm clueless?" My voice cracked and against my will, a tear fell onto my shirt, but a tear of frustration. I don't know why this boy frustrates me so much.
"If you think I'm so clueless why'd you want me to be in the group? One more thing to add to the list of things I'll never understand. I'll never understand why you like me. Do you even like me?" I chuckled. My smile of disbelief quickly turned to a frown as another thought crossed my mind.
"A- are you just pretending to be my friend because of Riley? Because you like Riley?"
"Maya what is wrong with you today? Why would I pretend to be your friend? Just because I like Riley doesn't mean I'd do anything, like pretend to like you, to hurt you! I'd never hurt you."
"Whatever. Just... tell the teacher I forgot to do my part of the project." I pushed past Lucas and climbed out of Riley's window. I heard her door open and her voice.
I continued to walk away from her apartment and back to mine.
Riley had nothing to do with my emotions, I'm just... frustrated! I can't understand anything at school, Lucas things I'm clueless! I don't understand...
Wow.
I got home and slammed the front door. I locked it and threw myself onto the couch.
Why can't I have real friends? Friends who don't think I'm clueless and friends who are actually my friends!
I remembered a movie I had seen a few days ago. I remembered the way the boy in the movie was depressed...
I walked to our bathroom and found a bag of new, unused razors...
I took one and tried to break it apart by hand. Eventually I did get it, but not without a few scraps and cuts on my thumbs and pointer fingers.
I grabbed one of the razors and pushed everything else into a pile.
Clueless? Why'd he call me clueless? That's not a good thing, right?
I took a deep breath as I lightly pressed the razor against my wrist. I quickly drug it across my skin and looked down to wait for the blood.
None. I guess I didn't push down hard enough?
I tried again, this time pushing down more. I quickly drug the sharp silver piece of metal across my wrist again.
Blood. Little beads of blood popped up along the open line along my wrist.
I did it again then stopped. I dropped the razor onto the ground and grabbed some toilet paper. I pressed it against my self inflicted wounds and i was sure they would stop bleeding almost immediately.
They didn't stop immediately but they also didn't bleed for long.
I grabbed the smashed up razor and threw it in the trash can by the toilet. Pulling my sleeve back down and leaving the bathroom, I walked into my room.
I forgot I left my phone in the living room so I walked out there and grabbed my phone and clicked the home button.
Six new messages and three missed calls.
The missed calls were from Riley. She usually texts me though?
As for the text messages? Lucas.
Lucas: Maya where'd you go?
Lucas: I told Riley you didn't understand your part of the project.
Riley: Maya why didn't you tell me you needed help with your part of the project?!
Lucas: Maya I didn't mean you were clueless in a bad way. You're super smart I just can't believe you wouldn't think to come to Riley, Farkle or myself for help!
Lucas: Maya I swear if you don't answer me I'm coming to your house.
Riley: Maya, Lucas is on his way over. I have to babysit Auggie. LET LUCAS HELP YOU WITH THE PROJECT!
Lucas and Riley sent their last few messages about five minutes ago.
That means Lucas should be here in about five or ten minutes, depending on how fast or slow he walks.
I turned to go to my room to put some makeup on to cover the fact I had been crying, but I heard my doorbell ring.
