Again In Neverland

Chapter 46: Try

Peter could feel his lips trembling and had to dig his nails into his palms to prevent himself from crying again.

"Hold your head up," He vowed to himself, "You can do this."

Jonathan waited patiently beside him, not wanting to push him to do anything and have him snap back into his depression. Jonathan was also suffering through heartache over Lilith, but unlike Peter he was taught at a young age to deal with trauma like a proper gentleman; and to focus on helping others through the tough times.

Peter took a deep breath and looked sideways at Jonathan. He nodded at him, and Peter was finally able to take a step forward.

Stepping into the light of the fire, Peter saw the Lost Boys haphazardly sitting around the pit. Gil, Bubs, and Mudpie were leaning against a tree. Coast and Pip were sitting on a log, with sticks poking at the fire. Lucky, Duke, and Wally were in a hushed conversation by the rope to the treehouse. Trevor and Nate sat with their knees pressed to their chests, staring into the flames. Jonathan's siblings, Wendi and Mike, were huddled together on a log across from Coast and Pip. Mike's head was on Wendi's lap, and he looked asleep. Wendi, on the other hand, had red dots under her eyes that suggested she had been crying. Peter thought about how difficult losing Lilith must have been for her, too.

"Peter?" Trevor said, sounding surprised to see him.

Wendi's head turned to face him, and now Peter could see that her eyes were also bloodshot, and dark circles were beneath them. Upon seeing him, Peter saw her eyes begin to overflow with tears again and she quickly looked away. He felt sick to his stomach, but did his best not to look it.

"You're back." Lucky said.

All the Boys stood up, even Mike who had woken from his sleep, and stared at Peter. He couldn't blame them. He had been M.I.A for several days (he had stopped counting), and now here he was. Showing up out of the blue.

Peter took a breath, and a small step forward.
"I've been a terrible Captain, you guys, and an even more terrible friend," He began, "I selfishly left you guys here to fend for yourselves while I dealt with things on my own. I guess that... after what happened... I just didn't think I could be the leader you all needed me to be, and I still don't know if I can."

He took another breath and toyed with the leaves on his clothes, "I don't think I deal with problems the way I ought to. Sometimes I want to forget about everything because it's just... easier to deal with. In a way, that's what I was doing by leaving you all. Trying to forget."

Peter looked up at his friends, "I don't normally do this type of thing. I'm not one to... reflect. But I do have to tell you all that I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to abandon you and try to make myself feel better. I'm not fit to be your leader anymore. So once I finish what I have to attend to here," He rubbed his arm, "I will leave -- for good. You deserve somebody better than me."

The camp was dead silent. Everybody stared at Peter in awe, and exchanged unreadable glances. The crackle of the fire was equivalent to crickets chirping, and the lack of response only solidified Peter's thoughts. He dropped his eyes, and scratched the back of his neck, walking out of the circle of Lost Boys and over towards the tree house -- understanding their response.

As he was about to fly up, someone stopped him.
"Wait!" Pip yelled, running forward.

Peter turned around and saw little Pip parting the crowd of boys. He stopped short in front of Peter and looked up at him, scanning his face.
"Stay." Pip whispered, reaching up and tugging on Peter's arm.
Peter's face softened as he leaned down and ruffled Pip's hair, "I can't be the same Peter I was before, buddy. I'm different now. If I stayed, everything would be different."
Pip's round, blue eyes burned into Peter's; his chubby cheeks in a serious position.
"We don't care about change." He urged, "We just want you to stay."