darkest hour

Mama

Carinas pov

As I run through the ER doors, Bailey stops me. "DeLuca." She says, stopping me in my tracks. "I need to see my daughter, where is she?" I say, catching my breath. "She's in room 4. She has an abdominal bleed and her ankle is broken. I'm going to fix the bleed, Lincoln is going to realign the foot." She says, walking with me to y/n's room.

"Where's my mama? I want my mama." I hear her scream. I head into her room, she's okay. "Y/n. Bambina." I say, grabbing her hand. Tears are streaming down her face. "I'm sorry it wasn't my fault, I got hit by a drunk driver mama. I'm sorry." She says, barely catching her breath.

"It's okay Bambina. You're okay." I say, tears falling down my face. Bailey walks in to take y/n to surgery. "Am I going to die?" She asks, her eyes widening. "No, y/n. You're okay. You have an abdominal bleed and your ankle is broken. Bailey and Lincoln are going to fix that. You'll be okay, I promise." I say, walking beside her bed as they wheel her to the OR.

"DeLuca. You can't go past this point." Bailey says, opening the doors to the OR floor. I place a kiss on y/n's forehead. "I'll see you after, Bambina." I say, as she heads in.

I can feel my phone buzzing in my pocket. It's Maya. "Carina is she okay?" She says the second I pick up. "She's fine, she's shaken up but she'll be okay. They just brought her into surgery." I say, heading down the hall to the waiting room.

"Do you want me to come? I can drop the kids at daycare?" She says. "Stay with them" I reply, "hug them for me" I add. "I will. Do you have anyone there with you?" She asks, I can hear drea crying in the background.

"Amelia's in surgery but she'll be here soon." I say, "Okay" she replies. "I'm sorry Maya, can I call you back later? I can't even think right now." I say, my head in my hands. "Yes my love." She replies. "Okay, I love you." I say. "I love you too car." She says, hanging up.

I walk to my office, and sit on the couch. I should tell Annie. I should tell her coach. But I'm frozen. I don't know how long I sat there, just thinking. "Deluca let me in." I hear, with a knock at the door. It's amelia.

"Carina I.." she starts as I open the door. She wraps her arms around me, holding me tight. "I was so worried. I'm so glad you're okay." She whispers as she holds me. "What are you talking about?" I reply, letting go.

"You wouldn't open the door. I was outside for like 10 minutes?" She says, looking me up and down. "Sorry I'm just not.. in it right now." I reply.

"Do you want to go to the chapel?" She asks, putting her sweatshirt on over her scrub top. "Amelia she's not going to die." I reply defensively. "That's not why I asked. I just.. I've found you in there a lot when things are tough." She says, putting her hands in her pockets.

"Okay" I reply, grabbing Mayas sweatshirt from my desk. When we get there it's empty, just a few candles flickering. I sit down at a pew, my head down.

"I'm not talking to god. I haven't been religious in years." I whisper, reaching for her hand as anxiety washes over me.

"You're talking to Andrew?" She asks, grabbing my hand. I nod. "I come here to talk to Derek sometimes. I like to think him and Andrew get along pretty well up there." She says, smiling at the thought of that.

"Meredith used to say that... before Andrea died. She thought Derek would love him." I reply, choking back tears.

My phone buzzes, it's Bailey. Probably one more hour, she writes. I start thinking about y/n again, and I break down. What am I going to do? What am I supposed to do?

Amelia squeezes my hand, "do you want to talk about it?" She asks. I think for a while before saying "y/n is bipolar, just like Andrea. It hurts to think I gave her the gene. It's hurts to know that her suffering is because of me." I whisper, wiping the tears that fall down my cheeks.

Amelia doesn't reply, rubbing her thumb along the back of my hand. "And I know she's old enough to handle it herself, but she's.. she's not. And that's not her fault. She told me I was overbearing, and I can see where she's coming from. I just want her to understand why I'm so overbearing, why I get frustrated when she doesn't take care of herself."

"It's because of Andrew. Carina, taking care of him was not your job, but you took that on. You look after everyone, and that's exhausting. When's the last time you looked after yourself?" She says in a whisper.

"I don't have time to look after myself. I'm always worried about y/n, or Maya, or the babies, or work, or you. And that's not anyone else's fault but my own." I reply, looking down.

"You should always come first to yourself." She says, looking at me. I can't bear to look her in the eyes. "I can't prioritize myself. I looked away from Andrea for one day and he was killed. I look away from y/n for one day and she's overworking herself and spiraling. She could've died today." I say, trying to control my breathing.

"I'm not saying you should block everyone out, because you're a caretaker at heart. Since you were born you had to take care of others. I just want you to give that same energy to yourself." She says, wrapping her arms around me.

I basically fall into the hug, sobbing on her shoulder. She's right, and I know she's right. But I feel like I can't look away. I can't stop caring. I can't stop worrying.

My phone buzzes again, it's Bailey. She's out of surgery, everything went great she says. "Okay, let's get you back to her room. You can talk with her about the next steps, and you too can decide together what's best for her." She says as we stand up.

"But Carina. Please take care of yourself." She says, giving me one last hug. "I will." I reply, which is definitely a lie.