darkest hour

quickly drowning

Tw/ topics like sh, Ed, bpd mentioned 

Y/n's pov 

A week later 

Watching my mama in pain is miserable. Watching her pretend she's fine all day, and then break into tears the second she goes upstairs physically hurts. She'd move mountains for me, and I don't know how to help. 

"Y/n, dinner!" Maya yells. I head downstairs, the tensions in the kitchen are high. Mayas been running more and more to try to cope, and it's not helping. My mamas pissed, she knows how Maya can get. 

We eat in silence, as we have for a week or so now. I've been trying to make my time home go by fast, because I can't sit in this house, this house filled with pain and mourning, any longer. I miss Annie, and I miss seeing my mama and Mayas smiles. 

I watch Maya as she eats, something I subconsciously do. Something in me always wants to be the one who eats the least. I know it's not a competition, I just.. I can't explain it.

I scrape the excess food off, the sound echoing through the house, before placing my dish in the dishwasher and heading upstairs. 

As my head hits the pillow, tears start to form in my eyes. I want to call Annie, but she's asleep by now, she lives across the country. I begin to sob silently, staring at the grey painted wall in front of me. 

I'm so tired of feeling like this. Feeling so tired and exhausted, so depressed, so lonely. I want my mama, but she has enough on her plate. I want my 'old mama' back. The one who smiled, laughed, and gave the best hugs. She's a shell of that. 

I wake up the next morning, feeling hopeless as ever. I wake up everyday hoping one of these days, I'll feel excited to be alive. Instead I'm met with the same looming dread of living yet another day. 

'I just want to feel' I think to myself, my hand reaching for the small box in my nightstand. I feel the cold metal, grabbing it and bringing it to my lap. I pass the blade between my hands gently, looking it over. 

It's been 6 months, I said I'd never do it again. Maybe just this once, just to feel again. The familiar slight sting radiates from my hip, small crimson lines appearing. Once I start, I can't stop. More, you deserve it. 

I look over my body in my bathroom, the blood covered tissue I used to clean my cuts sitting in the top of the garbage. 'Why did you do this to yourself? It's been 6 months. Now you have to start over' I think to myself. 

Mayas pov 

"Hey y/n" I say to her, flashing her a small forced smile. She doesn't respond, she hasn't been herself recently. Then again, none of us have. 

"Where's my mama?" She asks a few minutes later, "not sure, I think in bed." I answer, shrugging. I hear her slam her fists until the counter, "God, you're so infuriating." She says, i furrow my brows. "What?" I respond taking a step towards her.

"My mama is broken down! And you're going for runs, and ignoring her when she needs you. You're her wife, for fucks sake!" She yells. "Do you think I'm okay? You think this isn't just as hard on me?" I reply, my face turning red.

"Oh my god! That's exactly what I'm saying. If you know how she's feeling, why would you leave her alone? She can't be alone, Maya. If you knew her at all, you'd know!" She screams before storming out of the house. 

Luna begins to cry, I rock her back and forth with tears streaming down both of our faces. I hear carinas soft steps coming down the stairs, I hand Luna to her and take a seat at the counter. "Y/n left." I say, sighing. "Sí, I heard the whole conversation because you were yelling, which woke up Luna." Carina replies. 

"I wasn't the one who.." I start but she cuts me off. "You're being childish. Don't continue, because I don't want to hear anything about my daughter." She says. 

I furrow my brows, looking at her with anger. "Carina. She just yelled at me, and told me I didn't know anything about you." "Maybe she was right" Carina replies. 

"What?" I say, standing up. She takes a deep breath, tears forming in her eyes. "Maya, I'm obviously struggling. All I want, all I need is you. And you are ignoring your emotions and running more and more. Now I'm worried about you, way more than you're worrying about me." 

"Don't say I'm not worried about you. I'm worried sick about you. I.. I just run to cope. Sorry." I say, snapping at her with the last part. "I know you're in a lot of pain too, but I need you to help me, May. I'm drowning. Quick." She says, setting Luna back down in her bed. 

Moments of silence pass, it's awkward and uncomfortable. "Diane and I have been working on it. Coping. She's giving me all these suggestions, but I'm not doing them. Part of me doesn't want to cope. I've been running off the pain all my life, why is it not working this time?" I say, tearing up. 

She wraps her arms around me, her head resting on my shoulder. "Please don't leave me." She whispers between sobs. "I will never leave you." I reply, rubbing her back. "That's not what I meant. Please don't go to work and put yourself in dangerous situations because it's the only thing you can feel. Don't die on me. I can't.. I can't lose anyone else." 

'Please come home, we're worried.' I send to y/n after about 3 hours, but she doesn't answer. "She's at amelia's" Carina says, setting down her phone. I nod, laying in bed. I almost fall asleep, but feel carinas hands around me waist, holding me tight. 

"I love you, I'm sorry." I whisper. "It's okay. I love you." She replies.