Bound To The Seduction

Chapter 43: Closure II

Sarah had to admit that this was the first time she'd seen Brandon so nervous. How laughable. She adjusted her posture to a more comfortable one and started narrating her story in a relaxed manner as if she was talking about a stranger and it all had nothing to do with her.

"When my father left, I was about to turn seven that year. I found out about it on my seventh birthday and it broke me. My mom probably had it the worst. She acted fine in front of me and my brother but she would cry herself to sleep every night. She thought I didn't know about it but I peeked through her bedroom door at night sometimes and I would hear her muffled sobs.

"Slowly, my mom descended into depression. I watched her drink alcohol for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and sometimes, she woke up in the middle of the night to grab a bottle. For the next few years, I don't remember seeing my mom sober. The bottle was her only companion. It seemed to lessen her pain, or perhaps she could forget her sorrows, even if it was just for a little while. I never understood her at that time, but now I do.

"With her drinking, it was only a matter of time before she lost her job and it didn't take long before we were in debt. A few years later, she got better but then she was diagnosed with diabetes, heart disease, and peptic ulcers. Although she struggled to make ends meet, she couldn't take care of us anymore with her frail body. As the oldest child, I took over the responsibility of providing for the family at a young age.

"All this time, I hated my dad. I still do. Every time I saw my mom in such a terrible condition, the hatred in my heart would increase. Slowly, that hatred seeped into my bones and I hated all men. I felt like all the men in the world would be like him. My younger brother, Glen, and my childhood friend, Robert, were the only men I could trust.

"Then you came into my life." she paused and took another sip of her tea. She glanced at Brandon, smiled, and continued, "At first, I wanted nothing to do with you. I didn't want to get hurt like my mom. In my mind, a relationship was synonymous with pain. But you persisted. My frozen heart thawed and I started talking myself out of my bias.

"I had this small glass jar where I would write everything good about you on a piece of paper and put it inside. I called it 'the happy jar'. Whenever I found a good reason to be with you, it didn't matter where I was; I would scribble it down and put it in a jar. I read them out whenever the hatred in my heart overwhelmed me. And gradually, I didn't hate the idea of being in a relationship as much. That's how you and I got into this relationship."

She sipped a mouthful of tea again and looked at Brandon, who listened attentively. His hands hadn't moved from his mug the whole time. She sighed, "But, who would have thought that years later, I would be nursing a broken heart? Ironic, right?"

Brandon's eyes never left her face. His chest tightened and every word she uttered cut deep into his heart. She had taken him through a roller coaster of emotions and, at the moment, he did not know how to feel. He experienced pain, anger, regret, happiness, and sadness, all at once. His lips curved into a bitter smile. Sarah had finally opened her heart to him but, sadly, she wasn't his anymore.

He stared at a single point on the table for what seemed like an eternity. He took a deep breath, pulled himself together, and sat up. "I'm sorry," he said in a barely audible voice, "Is it possible for us... to get back together?"

"No."

"Why not?" Brandon's temper rose, "You've loved me so much for so long, how can you easily throw it all away? Did those years mean nothing to you?"

"Of course, it meant a lot to me, but I don't want to lie to myself anymore."

"Are you going to let our two years of love turn into nothingness?"

"Well, you should have thought about that before you decided to get cozy with your lover," Sarah sneered.

Brandon lowered his voice to almost a whisper, "Can't you forgive my little mistake?"

"A mistake you say?" Sarah laughed. "No, Brandon. Cheating is not a mistake. It is a choice. And I respect your choice, that's why I left."

"Sarah, why are you so unrealistic? Every man does it. In this day and age, it is a miracle to find a normal man without a side chick. It is no big deal. Why are you so sour about it?"

Sarah laughed again, but this time, a hollow laughter. Her eyes stung and she blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. "Yes, I'm that unrealistic and I like miracles. I refuse to bend my beliefs to accommodate everyone. Even if someday I really can't find someone who can stay loyal to one partner, I'd rather be alone than compromise."

Brandon's expression changed. "Are you not going to give me a second chance? You've let go but I haven't."

"I learned that some things come into your life only once. Once they are gone, they are gone forever. You are only left with memories, regrets, and questions of what could have been."

"I'm not perfect," Brandon said, "neither are you."

"Yeah, I agree. No one is perfect. I am not perfect, neither is the next person who comes into my life. I know I'm a mess and, sometimes, I don't even know what I want in life." she looked straight into his eyes and said with strong conviction, "But, I do know what I don't want in life."

Every single word that left her mouth like daggers lodged in his heart. It seemed every word he said worsened the situation. "Sarah..."

"You know, the past few weeks, I've asked myself a lot of questions.  If I hadn't arrived early that day and caught you red-handed, how long would you have done that behind my back? How long would you have looked at me with a straight face and told me I was the only one in your life?"

She continued without giving him a chance to respond — He was going to make up a lie anyway. "I looked at Clara and I still couldn't find anything different from me. I kept asking myself why you did that. Was I not enough? Was there a problem with me that you couldn't talk about? or, was it because of my personality? But after a long time, I realized I wasn't the problem.

"The problem lies with your insatiable greed. Your disloyalty and your desire to be like other men. Your ego led us into this situation. Even if there was something you didn't like about me, you could have talked it out with me. And if it wasn't fixable, we could have just broken up. Do you know how awful it is to be betrayed?"