Painful - A Jacksepticeye x Depressed Reader FanFiction

Chapter 18 - What Love is

(y/n)'s pov.

Sean and I hadn't spoken since he called me after his panel. We had written back and forth a bit, but our conversations were inconsequential. He wrote me goodnight. I wrote back. I didn't know how much it really affected him - and that was the worst part. I didn't care how I felt. Sean was the one I was worried about. I worried about whether he could tolerate me. "No matter what happens, I have to accept it. I can't change his opinions, his decisions", I told myself. I was afraid of the conversation that was happening tomorrow. It was a make or break situation.

I hardly slept. I thought about what I would say, how I would react and how I imagined my future. I couldn't go on like this - I knew that. But I wasn't ready to go to therapy. Not yet.

I looked at the calendar. The trial date would be in a week. I prepared for that too. I wrote down everything I could remember. Everything that had happened in the past few years. It was eating me up. I wanted to throw the pen against the wall - but it was no use. I had to get over it. And I would only be able do that after (y/b/n) was behind bars.

----

The doorbell rang. I nervously flicked the switch. I waited in silence until I heard footsteps in the hallway. I took a deep breath. Then I opened the door.

Sean stood in front of me. He was wearing the same clothes as in the photos from the event, so I was sure he drove straight to me from the airport. "Hi," I said shyly. "Hi." He smiled at me. I let him into the apartment, he went straight to the living room and sat on the couch. He seemed tired. "Have you not been to your house yet?" I asked him. He shook his head. "I drove straight here. I didn't want to wait any longer to see you." "Because you're worried about me?" "No," he said and stood up. He walked towards me and grabbed my hand. "Because I missed you." He leaned down and kissed me.

I couldn't think fast enough to realize what was happening. All I knew was that I wanted this moment to never end. "Screw the conversation. Screw apologies. Screw therapy and the trial," went through my head. It didn't matter as long as Sean was with me. It was all good as long as Sean was with me.

Sean's pov.

My lips touched hers. I tried to forget what happened yesterday. I tried to forget that I was afraid for her. I tried to forget that she could lose control at any second. I tried to forget everything and just enjoy this moment.

I pulled away from her. "I love you," I said." Oh, how I wish I could blow away your thoughts, worries, fears. How I wish I could beat your addiction for you. How I wish you could see yourself the way I see you..."

She looked at me. Her mouth opened; her eyes locked at me. I had taken her by surprise. "I...", she started but stopped again. "...I'm...How...Okay, please give me a minute to think." "Of course." She sat on the couch and just stared against the wall.

(y/n)'s pov.

His words hit me like a truck. I was unable to think, feel or say anything. I was just able to stare. I did not know what to say to that. "I love you" I hear his words in my head – over and over again. These 3 words...I did not know what to do. I did not even know if I loved him or not.

"I always think of you. Every day I wake up thinking about you and I do that all day long until I go to bed at night and fall asleep thinking about you. For a long time, I didn't realize how much you really mean to me. I kept it to myself, because I knew it would overwhelm you. But yesterday changed everything. I didn't sleep all night, I only thought about you the entire flight. About finally seeing you again. At first, I thought it was because of what happened yesterday. But when you opened the door and I looked at you...I knew it wasn't that. It was because I missed you. Because I wanted you with me. Because I always want you with me."

I took a deep breath. My heart was pounding hard and I felt like it was going to rip out of my chest at any moment. "Breathe. On - off - on - off," I tell myself. I slowly calm down. I'm still staring at the wall.

"Sean. I'm sorry for what I did yesterday. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger than my addiction. I'm sorry that I made you sad and you had to worry about me. I told you, because you deserve the truth. I didn't want to lie to you and tell you that everything was fine and that I was strong enough not to cut myself. How I wish I could have told you that. But it would have been a lie."

I looked at him. "I have never loved someone before, so I don't know if I love you. But I know that I want to be with you - no matter when, where or how - I just want to be with you. I know that I want you to hold my hand, I want you to kiss me. I care about you, and I think about you all the time...If that's what love is...then I love you."

He smiled at me, and I smiled back. "Do you want to be my girlfriend?", he asked. For a second, I was hesitant to answer. Then I nodded. "Yes, I would really like to be that."