𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘸, 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶? neteyamxaonung

Ashes of Despair

|🌀|Aonung POV:

⚠️-TW- Self-harm/SH-thoughts!!

- I counted slowly, as the pain in my leg grew, my tears were long dry by now and I finally got hit by the stinging.

It hurt so much, but I deserved it, I deserved this pain for what a dissapoiment and a terrible son I was, I was an idiot, my mom fucking hated me and maybe my father hated me even more after this episode, I wanted to disappear, to bury myself in fire and just turn to ashes and never leave this room ever again, not to add the fact that by the time I opened my eyes, the fire had stopped itself.

I looked down and saw the big burn on my inner leg and the stick that was no longer in fire, i trowed it to the other side of the room and sighed as I kept my legs tight to my chest and my head down while I closed my eyes and try and stop myself from shaking.

I felt so lonely, so hurt, and such a asshole of a son, and a brother. and a friend, and at this point, I don't even know why Neteyam likes me, I am probably an asshole of a boyfriend too.

I looked up and faced my bed, I let my ears to the door and there were no voices outside, so to my guess, my parents were already in bed sleeping, and so was my sister i got from the floor and slowly opened my door as the poorly light made it hard to see,

I finally made my way slowly and quietly to the kitchen cabinets so I could get myself some water and tissue, and try and clean the bruise I did to myself.

As I was trying to get past the wooden table, I didn't see the corner of it, and my leg went right into it,

My eyes widened inside as I backed away trying not to hiss too loudly,

"Fuck- " I whispered in pain as I place my hand on my leg, the cut already forming blood around it, my ears pinched down, as I took a piece of towel from the kitchen and put it around the cut, tightening it so it would stop bleeding as I took my cup of water and went back quietly in my room closing the door.

As I got inside the door, I dropped to the floor and let the cup down next to me, pressing pleasure to my leg as I hissed to myself, I took the towel off and looked at the cut, it didn't look as bad when it wasn't bleeding, as I used some water to clean my leg and let the cut heal.

I finally went back to my actual problem as I noticed the small amount of water in the cup I took was barely enough for me to clean my burned skin, I hissed in anger as I kicked the cup away from me and placed my face into my palms,

I silently started to sob in my hands from anger, my burned leg didn't stop from stinging, and suddenly I felt again the urge to burn it even more. to hurt myself even more.

I took my face from my palms and I used my fangs to bite my arm, as tears were running down my cheeks.

Stop it.

Please stop this. 

I wished, to myself bitting even more, I didn't wanna burn myself again, I wanted this urge to be gone, so please,

Stop me.

Someone please fucking stop me.

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- I don't know how many hours passed but I was still on the floor, trying not to burn myself, it was night and well my leg cut was already gone by now but my urge to burn myself wasn't,

I stopped crying, and I stopped thinking about anything but how to stop this urge, I was so fucking tired I wanted to sleep, but when I tried to put my head down on a pillow all I could think about was my crawling skin begging to be in pain, and my desire to punish myself.

I looked down at the floor and then back up at my lamp.

I watched how the fire inside was burning in such a lovingly phase, how small yellow flashes were above the red and the orange, the heat coming from it, the pain, even the lighting that could barely light my whole room,

Everything from it looked so calm but in my hand, it was so dangerous, how can something so beautiful so calming so lovely can cause so much disaster and pain in its way?

I felt connected to it like it was calling my name, my skin needed this pain so I could go to sleep, but then again if I burned myself now. then after that would I be able to stop? or it will just make me crave it even more.

I got up a bit took the lamp down and placed it in my lap I looked at the fire much closer, small heat coming from the whole thing,

I wanted to be inside there, a cave made out of metal full of fire, pain, and hopeless souls, I should be strong, I should be a warrior a chief.

A man.

But all I am right now is a fucking dissapoiment. A loser. An Idiot.

I opened the lamp door, took a small wooden toothpick, and placed the tip inside the lamp so it would catch fire on it.

I put the lamp to the side as I looked at the small wood piece with fire on top.

And then. I closed my eyes.

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As the sun finally came to life, I buried my face into my pillow after poorly or barely two or three hours of sleeping,

I felt like shit, and I so wanted to just sleep all day long I don't even remember what happens yesterday, the hours, or even if I ate anything, all I remember was me on the floor burning myself, and well just that.

As I stood on my bed trying to fall asleep again, I suddenly heard knocking, at the front door, so early in the morning.

I got off my well messy bed and toss the burned toothpicks and the tool with the dry blood on it, I used last night under the bed, making my bun fast so I won't look like shit even tho I felt like one.

And got to the door, as I opened it and smiled in an instant.

" Hey, Neteyam "

|🌙|

- Ah yes another day of me drinking tears. Make me tears I am thirsty!  👺 /j

(if you vote&comment my story I might let ya have a comforting chapter for Aonung /hj 🤸‍♂️)

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