Thats Life

Chapter Fifty-Four

It's the weekend after the funeral, apparently, we're hosting a lunch in memorial for Ian. Why are we doing it, I don't fucking know. It's not our responsibility but you know how we are, the most considerate people you would ever meet. The house is chaotic, people I don't know fill the rooms, siblings are everywhere, Katie stays avoiding me, and some of Ian's friends are running around here too. It's really a wonderful time. I don't know whose idea it was, but we have cocktails, yes, cocktails are being offered at a memorial for an addict. There are drinks laying all over the place and I've never had a harder time convincing myself to not grab one.

Suzie's voice comes from behind me. "Hey brother."

"Hey." I smile and take a sip of my coke.

"You know, Dean dies." She says matter of-fact.

I turn towards her my brows pulled together. "Should I know what that means?"

She nods and smiles. "In our show we never finished. Dean dies at the end."

What the hell is she going on about? "Does he now?" I ask, skeptical.

"There's a whole speech thing he does with Sam before it happens. I just wanted to tell you that you should watch it some time. Because everything he says, word for word is how I feel about you. I know you've been going through a lot these past few weeks, even your first heart break. And, I heard about what happened outside with the boys. I just wanted to tell you, that I don't think you're a dick. I am so proud of you, and everything you are becoming. I've never seen you so strong, I love you. You will always be the Dean to my Sam."

My mouth falls open, I'm at a loss for words. She always knows exactly what to say, and I've been so scared that she's hated me since all this shit started happening. She has no idea what these words mean to me.

"So I'm still the favorite brother?" I ask.

"Always." She smiles.

"Are you telling me I'm going to die before you?" I laugh.

"No, I just mean in the show they are all each other has. Dean dies, and Sam continues living his life, and just being human. You're going to get through everything bad that happening, especially if your boy Sam can get through it."

"Come here" I pull her into me and give her the biggest hug ever. I got so lucky having her as my sister. "Thank you. I really needed that."

"I know. I haven't seen you come out of your room in almost a week. I'm trying not to worry about you, because you are allowed to be sad. But, I figured I'd just let you know how I feel."

"You can worry about me. I'm sorry I do understand why all of you have been so up my ass. But, I'm here. I'm here to stay, I've been through worse my whole life."

I'm not going to lie; I've been slipping back into depression again. Hard. But not the same way. I haven't thought about dying or disappearing. The one thing that's getting unbearable is the craving to be high. To a point where I've almost told Tyson about it so we could figure out what to do, even if it meant going to rehab or the psych ward. I decided against it, it's already a hard time for all of us.

"Like I said, I've never seen you so strong. I can still see life and hope in your eyes. But I've missed you." She looks across the room to where Max is standing. "I'm going to head back over to him. I love you, Jace."

"Love you, Suz."

It's becoming weird how often my family is throwing around the L word these days. Not a bad weird, but it's weird for sure. I walk past a table that has a few bottles of liquor that make my mouth water. It's been a year for sure, I could say I deserve just one drink...