Shudder

43. Dream

Theme Songs For Book: Feel Real - Deptford Goth and Charlie Brown- Coldplay.

*i would highly recommend you read chapter one if you still don't understand.*

July 15th, 2015

"So Miss. Valentino, that was your dream?" He raised his glasses to rest on the top of his head. Although I was far away I could see his notepad was filled with my dream. I turn my head shaking to look at the clock. I've been speaking for three hours? How's that even possible it felt like minutes?

"Don't you have another appointment?" I ask as I pull his jacket closer to my skin. Why do I feel so cold?

"Was that your dream Miss. Valentino?"

My body felt like bugs were crawling on every inch of my skin, my head was pounding. I wanted to itch all over and I couldn't stop shaking. I hated myself for having that dream, it reminded me of everything I ever wanted to let go.

"Miss. Vale-"

"Yes, yes-" I shoot out, "That was my dream."

"And what do you think it represented." He knew the answer and I hated him for making me say it. I just wanted to tell him my dream, refill my prescription and leave. I didn't want to talk to him.

"I- it represents my life." I couldn't stop shivering. It was my paranoia.

"Give me examples, It's okay to talk about it that's what I am here for, to listen and to help. You don't have to shake or shiver Miss. Valentino just take a deep breathe." So I did, I took a very long deep breathe. So deep I begged myself not to come back.

"Everything symbolized something, they all represented what happened."

"Like..." He was pushing me and although I didn't like it I wanted to, I wanted to get this all out.

"Aimee represented Rebecca."

"Your best friend? The one that you used to live with?"

"Yes her."

"What else?"

"My parents, and Harry's parents they represented my own. How much my father's drug addiction ruined our family and how much I miss my mother."

"Good, what else?"

"Louis, he represented Johnny."

"Your step brother?"

"Yes and how when it happened we were both in so much pain. We went through... we are going through the same thing."

"Who else are we missing?"

"Zayn he represented you..." I pointed to him slowly as he lowered his head to me.

"Me?"

"Yes. He never stopped pushing me to do better and he'd forgiven me more times then not. I haven't been to these appointments in months and you still want to help me. You want to fix me just as much as Zayn wanted to fix me."

"And what else Miss. Valentino?" he knew I saved him for last, he knew I didn't want to say it.

"I told you to call me Jessie."

"Alright Jessie, who else are we missing, who's the last piece to this puzzle?"

I was shaking my head to try and physically push the words out, "Harry, he represented Isaac."

"And who's Isaac, Jessie?"

"You know who he is!" I snapped rubbing my eyes roughly as I tried to push back the tears.

"I want you to tell me."

I was itchy again, I wanted this all to stop, I didn't want to bring it up, but I forced myself. This is what I had to do, this is what will make me better?

"Why didn't he love me?" I screamed. I couldn't hold back the tears much longer they were flooding down my cheeks, "Why did he leave me?"

"He didn't leave you Jessie."

"He did!" I was was clutching my hands so I could accept my pain, "He killed himself and I couldn't help him!"

"There was nothing you could of done."

"Yes! I could of spoken to him, I could of kissed him harder, I could of gotten him pills, a doctor, something. He was my brother's best friend and he was my boyfriend why didn't he love? What did I do?"

"Jessie he did love you, he just couldn't love himself."

"That's not good enough! He told me he'd never leave, he told me he loved me. I was suppose to be there for him. I was so busy and when I came home the floor was soaking wet and the pills were spilled all over the floor. I didn't know!" I was choking on my own tears. "He said he was doing better why didn't he tell me? I had to find him, he was so cold, his hair soaking wet from the water. I just laid there holding him and no one brought him back he didn't squeeze me tighter like he always would he was still... he was so still."

"And what did he leave you?"

"A letter."

"Read it out for me."

"No." I was shaking my head once again. Anxiety was pumping through my veins.

"Jessie, this will help you."

I took the piece of paper from his jacket I always wear and held it in my hands.

"Dear Jessie,

It's been 5 months and 12 days since you kissed me for the first time. I smile every time I think about. And when I tell you I love you I mean it, with all my soul. I love you more then I love my own spirit.

Each day has been a blessing with you but every time I smile I feel like sadness is just around the corner. Like a dark slug it always slithers its way in, and Jessie I can't take the darkness anymore.

I've dreamt about being happy with you. I've dreamt about growing old together and having kids and being completely and absolutely happy but I don't think that's possible for me anymore.

I have examined the world, and for me it is not worth living.

I have spent years trying to rid myself of this sorrow but I've been hurting for so long and when I see you smile I know that I cannot be a slug to you too. My sadness is consuming, it's intriguing, it makes you want to take hold of it and once you do it'll never let you go. I can't do that to you Jessie.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love that I am although older you are wiser, I love that when you smile your eyes glisten, I love that you only tuck the right side of your hair behind your ear, I love that you laugh at my jokes. Jessie, I love all that there is of you.

But before I go, promises me that you will let go of your anger. Promise me that you won't let your mother's death weigh you down, promise that you will live on without me with pure happiness. I want for you what I didn't get, just promise to love another the way I was so fortunate to feel.

I love you Jessie. Be free for me. Don't let the anger take hold of you. Be free.

Isaac."

The tears had stopped running down my face as I folded back up the paper and set it into his jacket pocket.

"That was a beautiful letter Jessie. Did you get anything out of reading it out loud?"

I smiled as I rubbed my hand against my cheek to wipe away the tears. "It was the first time I ever read it since his death. I feel... better."

"Good Jessie."

I didn't want to stay here much longer. I needed fresh air.

"Can I go now? I promise I'll come back next week. I want to change"

"Sure Jessie."

I walked towards the door before turning around, "Thank you."

"You'll be happy for him one day Jessie."

And with that I walked out of his office, and onto the street.