Shudder

25. Okay

This is a longer chapter but it meant a lot to write, one of my close relatives is suffering from Alzheimer's so if you'd take the time to really read this i'd be much appreciate it . Thanks. xoxo.

Song for Chapter: Always In My Head- Coldplay

3 weeks later

HARRYS POV

"How is it Harry?" I sit in the chair behind his dark wooden desk, that damn ass clipboard still in his hands like it was glued on. He has a small beard coming in- something I can't grow.

"I don't know." I don't think I'll ever know why I feel the way I feel. So empty- so numb. How can you understand something that has been with you for so long. It's like explaining water to a fish, money to a billionaire. It becomes a apart of you; or maybe it just is you.

"We've only had 6 lessons Harry, you know that this doesn't just happen overnight- you getting better?" I don't think I'll be better at all.

"Yeah Louis I know."

"So you have to talk to me. Tell me what you feel, when you feel it, how much it hurts, if it doesn't hurt at all. Tell me when you're happy, tell me when you incredible sad. It's okay to talk Harry."

"I don't know how to start."

"I'm not one of those Doctors that give you a shit ton of depressants and pills and make you write in a journal. I just want you to speak. So start by telling me what's been on your mind for the past 24 hours. Is it her?"

Believe it or not it hasn't been, but that's only because I pushed her out. Concealed her in the very darkest pit of core, and I'll only unleash it when she comes to me. I've realised that the pain I feel doesn't start with her, and I don't think it'll ever end with her.

"I've been thinking a lot about my family."

Louis smiles at me, his doctor certificates glistening on the wall behind him, almost taunting me, rubbing his success all in my face saying

Hey I have a meds degree. I'm wealthy and living the dream. My mom and dad are so proud of me. I'm not a sad depressed psycho like you. I'm a good one.

And selfishly I hated Dr. Tomlinson for it. Even though none of his success is his fault, he worked hard, had a good childhood, knew what he wanted. Was happy. I hated him with a passion for having what I didn't and it sickened me to my core because I hated hating him. I wanted to- no- I want to like him. He lets me call him Louis, he doesn't push me to speak, he doesn't make me come to these appointments but I do because I want the life he has.

Or at least the happy part of it.

"Your family, okay, that's a start. What about your family?"

"My mom."

"What about your mom?" He's trying to egg me on, make me speak more and strangely I want too.

"I haven't seen her in a long time."

".. and you miss her."

"I don't know what I feel."

"Fair enough Harry." He flips his pen around, writing on the paper that is clipped to the clipboard. I can hear the pen sliding across the paper and board . "I want you to visit her. Can you do that Harry?"

"I guess so."

"Good I have her address here."

"I know her address, her house is an hour from here."

"Not anymore Harry."

"What do you mean?"

"Harry I'm so sorry. I thought you'd know. Your mother is in a group home, she's suffering from Alzheimer's Disease."