Shudder

40. Dinner & A Fight

*****LOOKING FOR ALASKA SPOILER!!! SORRY*****
Song for Chapter: Life After Defo - Deptford Goth

HARRYS POV

I don't know how I feel. It's an uncomfortable feeling of loss and heartache. It's a small hole inside of you that just won't shut; a burning sensation all over, from your head and toe.

When I was in Louis' arms when I was crying over my mother the hole began to close, the sensation overpowering me and also seeping an away. It was because someone cared for me. The feeling of someone loving you even in the darkness moments can heal any wound. Louis loves me, Leah loves me, Zayn my best friend loves me, and even Jessie loves me too. That's what Louis has taught me in these last few months away.

After my mother's passing I had her cremated. Louis drove back down to Washington and picked up her ashes. When he reached Pennsylvania we drove to the highest point. Looking over the sunset and down onto the ravine where I was going to jump I poured her ashes into the world, the wind carrying them off to find a new kind of happiness. Her happiness was mine.

We spent another 2 months in Pennsylvania. Louis traveling back and form from Washington on the weekends to visit Jessie and Zayn, I stayed here.

I've learnt a lot of things, so has Louis. I've learnt to handle my disorder, to think before I act, but the most important lesson I've learnt by myself. I've learnt that I will die the day I am my happiest. The day the world I stand on turns in it's most beautiful way, because when you die with utmost love, the love you have can spread. I want my love to spread through mountains.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. I don't even know if going back to Washington is a good idea, but as I open my door to my old apartment I feel at home, peaceful even.

"Welcome home Harry."

"Thanks Louis. I think I even missed it." He drove down on Friday and we arranged plans for me to come Sunday. He lies on my couch with a coke in his hand.

"Did you restock my fridge?"

"It's the least I could do."

LOUIS POV

We're okay. Harry has changed tremendously since his mother's passing and deep down inside it scares me. He's been calm enough that I keep having dreams that one day he'll explode.

"I read another book."

"John Green?"

"Of course. Looking for Alaska."

He always had a fascination with John Green and books in general. I think it's because they help him escape and help him mend, but John Green is his favorite. He dissects his works to the last letter, finding meaning in all his words. I think it's good for him, helps him think realistically, and helps him analyze the world for what it is and not what he dreams it to be.

"Although she dies -"

"Hey spoil alert!" I scream but he and I both know I'll never read it.

"It's like it was meant to happen. Without her death Pudge would never have been able to be set free. Her words inspired him to find his own way out of the labyrinth. I feel like if she never died he wouldn't have the motivation too. He'd be to infatuated with her. Like I with Je-"

"Speaking of her." I didn't want to say it but I knew I had too. "Jessie and Zayn invited us for dinner this afternoon. I think they have an announcement to make or something I don't know. You don't have to go if you don't want to I mean it's not like -"

"It's alright, I'll go."

"You will? Are you sure?"

"I'm capable of handling myself Louis. I've changed remember."